The baby-as-adult ones. It’s predictable, I know, but talking babies have always struck me as cause for creative blacklisting. The guy responsible for the main baby voiceover…that’s a comedian. I can feel it. I can see that comedian’s bald head and slightly drawn face…I can see that comedian’s pocket-tee, cargo-shorts, and drinking problem. I can see this comedian’s age, experience, and degree of fame…each has ever-so-slightly surpassed those that choke YouTube with short films that do little more than invent new methods of trying too hard. I can see this comedian’s girlfriend leaving a note on the breakfast table: “I’m fine. Don’t call my parents. Don’t report me as a missing person.” I can see the phone ring. I can see him battling both emotions as he learns of the eTrade voiceover gig. I can see him get blasted on the surplus of beer in the fridge. I can see him in an Irish themed bar, accepting free drinks from a coked-out lesser. I can see this coked-out lesser launching into an impenetrable description of a short that’s being entered in a monthly contest. I can see the key-bumps exchanged in the bathroom before the comedian and the lesser depart for the latter’s promise of more. I can see years and years of conversations started with those that normally wouldn’t even deserve a post-dated gas-face.

See promotional message below. Do what it says.

I am endorsing this as hard as I can. If you were 

in the room with me right now, you would hear 

and see me straining and grunting and shifting

in my seat. Check out that first  link…the

wikipedia page. You will see that I’m 

not just some rube and my request should be

met with action on your part. Don’t let my friend

Tom down, or I will find out who you are and 

find a way to make sure you are let down, by

fourteen consecutive people over the course of

two years. Do what is right. Do not comment 

on the color of my name on that wikipedia page.

I have been waiting for the right moment…..wait

a damned second, this is not about me, this is 

about you showing me and the rest of the world

that you’re on the level.  

TONIGHT MY LOYAL READERS’ FINAL CHANCE TO

CALL THE BEST SHOW ON WFMU TONIGHT, 8 PM

 EST to 11 PM EST:

EPIC PLEDGE DRIVE FEAT. PATTON OSWALT AND

JOHN HODGMAN, PLUS BEST SHOW DVD FEAT.

PATTON OSWALT, PAUL F. TOMPKINS, AIMEE

 MANN,

Because it’s the perfect form of procrastination at this particular life-juncture. Check this out:

I recently acquired a record that represents an early stab (pun intended) at making death metal. Though released in 1990, it represents the then-common practice of giving a previously released cassette demo (in this case, 1986) a new life in the more official format of vinyl or CD. Naturally, you are wondering to yourself, ”Wow, in the mid-to-late 90’s, what dramatic challenges were in place for an underground metal band to need almost half a decade to see a demo come to fruition on the CD, vinyl, or factory-made cassette formats?”

(be advised that I meant “to yourself” in the literal sense…like I always say, “others can hear you when you speak”)

Well, curious reader, I’ll tell you…whoa, whoa, whoa…I’ve got my little life-editor on one shoulder (species of representative spokescreature TBD) slapping some sense into me. The sole purpose of this post was originally to provide some context around my transcription of this album’s liner notes and to INTRODUCE A FUN CONTEST! The first person to use my cruel and unusual idea of a clue to e-mail andrewearles@gmail.com with the correct name of the band will receive random grab bag of crap. Well, not really CRAP, but things that need to disappear from my immediate surroundings. Def not crap, actually, just casualties of the massive clutter reduction scheduled for next weekend. I will seal one end of a large Priority Mail Flat-Rate box and stuff it with books, records, comic-irony wall candy, magazine back issues, back issues of The Cimarron Weekend.  The liner notes:

“In 1986 there existed an evil group of subversive youth whose sole purpose was to show other about the beauty of death. As time passed, they discovered that music was the best form to show others the beauty of death. As time passed, they discovered that music was the best form of expressing the evil that they had learned. These youth became what the leaders of the underground know to be [band name removed for contest!]. As the underground became less underground people thunking they were cool began to flock to the [band name removed for contest!] rituals (concerts) with the bones of the newly dug-up they knew existed within the otherwise sleepy region. And, it wasn’t long before the commercial society figured out they could capitalize on a new evil. They sent the subversive musicians into a studio and were amazed at what grundgy and disgusting sounds could be cunjured up within the walls of a recording facility! Thus, censorship was born! The sessions were too evil and the tapes were mysteriously taken away into the night in order that a new and improved Necrophagia could emerge. [Album title removed for contest!] did appear and the original were lost untill recently when a funeral parlor went up for sale. In the basement, hiden away (perhaps by a former road crew member), lay the banned recordings. They are presented here in their original form.

Wow guys, your generosity is contagious…it influenced me to present your liner notes in…..that’s right….in THEIR ORIGINAL FORM. Anyway, I’m not here to stress on some spelling errors of quarter-century vintage. Name this band. Remember, or understand (didn’t finish the thought up there): Recording date: 1986 Release of vinyl, cassette, and CD on what I like to call “the poor-man’s Metal Blade” since you might need what I like to call “another hint.” Frequently Answers to Incorrectly Anticipated Questions:

No, I will not tell you where the band originated from.

Proto-death metal is the best I can do. Like Possessed but better-equipped at giving the giggles rather than the chills or creeps.

Last clue: Along with 4,189 other metal records released and distributed over the past thirty-years, this one pays a subtle, gotta-look-for-it homage to one of  America’s first celeb serial killers (threw his party way before these guys were born).

Yes, I’m letting the tunes “do the talking” for a little while. Those in protest, I must ask how you can possibly go wrong? Once again, prepare to be served by my impeccable ear!

(this is sincere hubris you’re reading here)

After getting into all of that Jim Shepard stuff  during a bad time to so (emotionally), I need to rep the upbeat and positive! Or the downright beautiful!

The Avalanches “Electricity” (from Since I Left You)

Boris “Next Saturn” (from Smile)

Disco Inferno “Sleight of Hand” (from Technicolour)

The Chills “Pink Frost” (from four thousand dif albums released in the space of two years)

Dntel “Anywhere Anyone” (from Life is Full of Possibilities)

Magnetophone “Oh Darlin’” (from an album with a really, really long title)