See older entry for description of this series. Basically, these didn’t make it into my Magnet column.
Stop All The World Now
OOOOhhh……we need a Bill O’Reilly/Ludacris/PMRC-style scandal involving stoned neo-hippies sucking on Whip-It’s and totaling their Subaru Outbacks. Oh, while listening to Howie Day, I mean.
Um, I’m sorry, did someone sleep through the past EIGHT YEARS OF IRONIC FACIAL HAIR AND IT’S ALL AROUND WIPED-OUT, UNIMAGINATIVE USE AS A POP-REFERENTIAL TOOL? Check in around 2006, when you’re called Inevitable Bald-Spot and are the number one seller at stoop sales across Brooklyn.
Your music is slowing down into pop-metal, making the schoolyard poor-man’s Mentor’s subject matter all the more embarrassing. You are (really) grown men, and I am not going to take an order from a (really) grown man to “wipe it ’til it bleeds.” The sado-sexual department of the store is sold out. What, you’re going to back a motorcycle up into my butt crack and then pop the clutch? …….snore…….
THE STAR SPANGLES
I like to know what a band sounds like after hearing them, not looking at them. Is it possible to over-stylize any merit out of the package? Yes. We need another one of these bands like we need more Arnold Sw impersonations.
This pony never even had one full trick. The single most overrated band on the cool-list. The revolution was sleeping on the couch and the critic-lemmings followed it right over the cliff. Drugs made a sizable chunk of my record collection, but posturing morons on drugs made The Spacemen 3 and their respectively over-blown solo careers.
Evidence that not only does the automobile industry purposely build mechanically unsound cars (reliability does not pay in the long run), they are also designing cars with aesthetic terror in mind – cars that are guaranteed to look very silly in no time whatsoever. This ensures that the new car consumer is left with no choice but to buy another rapidly aging, moronic looking auto within the space of four years.
Our First Offender: The (Toyota) Scion XB
Now, what rational person would want to wake up every morning to a giant circa-1995 cell phone sitting in their driveway? The car strikes me as easily disassembled by bare hand. It must be a deathtrap, unable to withstand any degree of accident, jeez, if someone even looked at it the wrong way, fatalities would ensue.
“The xB is all about attitude. The question is, how much can you handle?”
Good question. If I see you driving one of these…expect some “urban attitude.”
A fist could conquer the dashboard in one blow, and if I was relegated to driving a Scion XB, this practice would be common as I tried to figure out exactly what day it was that common sense called in sick.
The new issue of Chunklet (18) is canvassing the streets NOW. I’m in it…interviewing some people. Check it out. I use the word “bedraggled” twice. Must’ve been the word of the week. It’s a funny word. Not as funny as “hardscrabble,” but funny. “Hardscrabble” would make a great name for a No Depression fake country band. Or one of these new fake redneck bands of the Kings Of Leon ilk. What you witness with my site, with all of these posts, is practice. I write, and I need practice. You are sitting in on practice. Difference being, you know, I’m not some boring band. Now, let’s talk pranks. Some years back, Henry, the editor/publisher of Chunklet, asked me to help out with a little something. It was little. Punk Planet Magazine approached Henry with their form interview that I surmise has something to do with zines. They profile a zine in each issue, with the same group of questions. I haven’t browsed an issue of Punk Planet since I had issues. Something tells me that there’s not much reading KA-BANG to be had in those pages. Henry asked me to fill out the interview on his behalf. I agreed on one condition: That he forward the interview to the editor without looking at or altering it in any way. After making that condition, I lost track of the subsequent process, but I think that it ran in PP. I’m trying to picture myself answering this thing, so that I can picture my desk, so I can picture my apartment, for a good idea of when I answered this thing. Coming up with “the unfunny era.” Look for the “irony.” Look for the incorrect use of the word “slander.” Here’s how it went:
Loved the new issue. God you put out a great zine. Anyway, I’d love it if
you’d want to do the 20 Questions for the next issue of Punk Planet. If
you’re into it, I’ll need them no later than this Friday, the 22nd of Sept.
1. How long have you been doing your zine and what issue are you on?
Since the Carter administration. There should be a number on the issue that you are holding. Take that number and add the number six, then subtract the number five.
2. How long do you plan on doing it for?
Until I get famous.
3. What would cause you to quit?
4. How do you distribute your zine?
I strap them to the backs of rescue dogs and point in the direction of each large metropolis.
5. Why is your zine called what it’s called?
Because it is a catchy name for a mini-series.
6. What were the runner up names?
“Roots,” “The Thornbirds,” “Shogun,” and “Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?”
7. In order of importance, what would you rank as the three main subjects
Character actors, Audio/Video Verite’, and Walter Matthau
8. What’s the hardest part about doing your zine?
Having to deal with people who lack a sense of humor.
9. What’s the most rewarding?
Having to deal with people who lack a sense of humor.
10. Are you doing your zine for the free stuff?
Yeah, comedic slander seems to bring in droves of promos.
11. What was the best and worst interview you’ve ever done?
Best: Rip Torn Worst: Zodiac Mindwarp
12. Quote your favorite thing ever said in the pages of your zine.
“FUCK YES!!!!!” – David Grubbs
13. Do you write everything yourself? If so, why? If not, how do you find
I have this revolutionary approach where I tell writers that they can write about things besides politics and their favorite bands.
14. How is your zine produced?
There was a police/buddy dramatic comedy, or dramedy, in the 70’s called “Holmes and Yo Yo.” The Yo Yo character was a humanoid robot that would spit crime statistics from slit in its chest. I own a similar, crime fighting android that prints each issue individually.
15. Handwritten vs. Typewriter vs. Computer?
Certainly not handwritten, since that would mean that I would have more in common with Aaron Cometbus, and the simple use of oxygen is enough. Most people are technophobes or luddites for affect, not out of necessity. It’s very “punk rock.” I don’t subscribe to the “it looks like shit so it must be the real deal” aesthetic. People past the age of twenty-five who produce handwritten or white-out-smeared zines should be put out of their misery.
16. What other zines inspire you?
Forced Exposure (R.I.P.), Entertainment Weekly, Conflict (really R.I.P.), Cat Fancy, American Shotgun Fanatic, whatever that zine is that is comprised entirely of tear-stained hate letters from Weasel Walter, and The Cimarron Weekend.
17. What is “selling out”?
Careerist rock writing. Putting out a publication (a term that I prefer) that only features positive reviews and book-report style pieces with no humor or personality. For some people, journalism and/or true entertainment takes a backseat to constant relationship-stroking between writer and record label. I don’t understand why anyone who genuinely cared about music would want to read something like CMJ or Puncture – magazines that only contain neutral or positive text. Does a fucking computer program write those things?!?
18. If you could live off of your zine, would you?
No, I would live off of being famous.