Andrew Earles

Another Bad Automotive Idea: The Lincoln Versailles

Posted in Uncategorized by Andrew Earles on June 22, 2004

The American Ford Granada of the mid-70’s was perhaps the most unexciting car ever produced. Due to the energy crisis of this time period, there was no shortage of American automotive misfires. The Japanese were about a decade ahead of us, and they enjoyed several years of laughter as we continued to design rolling garbage like the Granada. My father, God rest his soul, was a veteran of both WWII and The Korean War (and no, that does not place me in my late-40’s…I had an old dad). He owned a t-shirt that said: “Toyota, Datsun, Honda….From The Same People Who Brought You Pearl Harbor.” My mother owned a t-shirt in which sunny-side-up eggs were displayed over her breasts. My childhood neighbors owned a Granada, complete with hood perpetually raised and an interior that smelled like a crotch.
Ford must really have a low opinion of you, the buying public. Otherwise they wouldn’t dress up a Taurus and sell it as an entry-level Jaguar. This behavior parallels some bygone design hilarity with the Lincoln Versailles. This is a Ford Granada that’s been cleaned up to help spread STD’s throughout the era’s single’s communities. Additions include Lincoln’s fake spare tire well, leather, vinyl top that’s sure to shred into the next decade, and two extra headlights. The Granada was a “sensible” (most models came with the 302 V-8) transport for the guy who spent 50 hours a week sticking his arms into dangerous shit, while, you know, those jobs were still around. I have no idea who the Lincoln Versailles was for. That minutely-detailed website should be of interest to those who care. Please scroll to the bottom of this page before you part.

Reviews Of Movies That I Have Not Seen

Posted in Uncategorized by Andrew Earles on June 13, 2004

Garfield: The Movie

I was disappointed to read that Liz gives Odie to Jon. According to Garfield’s first run, etched forever in the bestselling 1980 debut collection Garfield At Large, Odie belongs to Lyman. As you can see, Lyman was a mustachioed drifter/friend that Jon offered his couch to after minimal begging. Plenty has been said about what Garfield looked like in the very first strip, so on we go to…

Bobby Jones: Stroke Of Genius

This 133 minute, PG-rated instant sleeper about the famous 1930’s golfer was written and directed by Rowdy Herrington, the same man who wrote and directed Road House.

The Terminal

I think that this is the sequel to Philadelphia.

…. and now, a belated moment of silence for Lou Rawls, who passed last Thursday (June 10th, 2004) at the age of 73.

Essays That I Will Not Get Around To Writing

Posted in Uncategorized by Andrew Earles on June 11, 2004

“Billy Jack: The Most Confusing Hero”

“What will Phillip Seymour Hoffman do when the world turns its back on the sadsack role?”

“The Weekenders”

“I am the Fish Whisperer”

“Carl and Flapjack: The Rogering” (title of critical essay about movie treatment of imaginary TV show)

“Don’t Ask….ok, go ahead and ask”

“The Wiggerization of Montgomery Gentry” (first pic, second row…seriously, what is going on here?)

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