Andrew Earles

Check It Out!!

Posted in Uncategorized by Andrew Earles on October 28, 2004

An aborted “thank you” list from a record that I never got around to putting out!! I don’t even remember what it was supposed to be!!

This record wouldn’t have been possible without the following: Napalm Death, Buddy Hackett, Rotting Christ, Budgie, Zoogz Rift, Chuck Barris, Danver’s, Big Stick, The Outlaws, Black Tea, David Cross, TV’s Show Me The Funny, Fernwood 2-Nite, Venom, The Frogs, The Avengers, The Country Teasers, Mountain featuring Felix Pappalardi and Leslie West, Regurgitate, Karp, Starcastle, Ari Up, Ian Christie, The Groundhogs, The Jackballers, Mano-fucking-War, Vader, The Entombed, The Haskels, Carcass, M. Emmet Walsh, St. Vitus, Destruction, Piledriver, Sodom, Bathory, Fates Warning, Eddy Detroit, Angel Witch, Montrose, Pig Champion, Wood Sergeant, Thin “the greatest in the universe” Lizzy, Lucifer’s Friend, Mom’s Apple Pie, Starbuck, Rainbow, Vandenburg, April Wine, Nevermore, Sleep, Immortal, Raven, The Great Kat, Pryor’s Place, Autograph, Honeymoon Suite, Barnes and Barnes, Godley and Crème, Overkill, Sacred Reich, Death, Death Angel, Grim Reaper, King Diamond and Mercyful Fate, my death metal brothers and sisters in Tampa, Mal Sharpe, Burning Witch, The Thrones, UpsideDown Cross, Harry Dean Stanton, Fox’s When Stunts Go Wrong, Dio, Ved Buenes Ende, Gobblehoof, The Obsessed, Destructor, The Dictators, SWA, Black Sabbath with Ian Gillan, Noothgrush, Angel Rot, Junkyard, Suffocation, America’s Funniest Home Videos, The Joe Perry Project, The Vinnie Vincent Invasion, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, UFO, Grave Digger, Girlschool, Nocturnus, all my metal warriors in Jersey, Sir Lord Baltimore, Voivod, Black Sabbath featuring Vinny Appice on skins, Witchfinder General, Chuck Barris, Butchery, Wykked Witch, Morgion, Sacramentum, Deathwitch, Iced Earth, Emperor, The Enslaved, Blind Guardian, Nocturnal Rites, Kreator, Immolation, metal-makeover Discharge, Mayhem, Anvil, Keel, The Possessed, Esoteric, The Haunted, At The Gates, In The Woods, Satyricon, Marduk, my brethen who roam the Norwegian woods, my brethen who roam the woods behind the Pic & Save, Crushed Butler, Tygers Of Pan Tang, Vanadium, Donny fuckin’ Iris, Waysted, Vegas Thunder, Aldo Nova, Zebra, Silverwing, Bitches Sin, Cloven Hoof, Coroner, Dearly Beheaded, Diamond Head, Exodus, Extreme Noise Terror, Electric Wizard, The (Canadian) Godz, Nuclear Assault, Iron Savior, the brotherhood of John Curulewski/Dennis Deyoung/Chuck Panozzo/John Panozzo (R.I.P.)/James Young and the mildly political prog-lite they so masterfully created, Gore, Gorefest, Goreguts, Weakling, Bruce “Human Air Raid Siren” Dickinson, Borknagar, Solitude Aeturnus, Gore Beyond Necropsy, Sadistic Exekution, Devastation, Sentenced, pre-Point Of Entry Priest, Hellion, Epoch Of Unlight, Al and Jack from Kurt and Courtney, Head Trauma, Deteriorot, Lucifer’s Hammer, Punished Earth, Morbid Entrée, Slab-Maggot, Dripping Omelet Aftermath, Shitcon 4, Switchthrower, Grilled Chicken Biltmore, Tri-uummmmpppphhhh, Col. Retribution, Robert Forster, Ditch Witch, Open Fire In A Jack Pirtle’s Parking Lot, Cat Power – STAY FUCKING BRUTAL BABY!!!!, Back Alley Incident, Trumans Water, Obituary, Morbid Angel, Burzum, and if I forgot anyone…………….
KEEP IT STEEL IN 2000 AD!!!!!!!!!!

–Andrew Scott Earles

What a difference five years can make.

Reviews!

Posted in Uncategorized by Andrew Earles on October 21, 2004

The Mark Farner Band No Thrills (1979)

No shit.

Carcass Choice Cuts (2004)

Some of the greatest metal I’ve ever laid ears on, but one must skip the beginning and end. How could you not be in their corner? Good Carcass is the ultimate precursor to Mastodon, a band that David Dunlap Jr. refers to as “the Outkast of Real Metal.” The drummer (Carcass) suffered a massive brain hemorrhage as a result of BENDING OVER TO PET HIS CAT. Come on! He spent years recovering and assembling this compilation. It was his therapy! (not to be confused with Therapy? – wow, some jokes just found a new butt) From the looks of the shit-awful cover art, he was also temporarily rendered blind.

Antler s/t (2004)

Don’t be fooled by the label (Tortuga) or mildly awesome band name. This is more new Ya’llternative Depression doing Southern Rock doing Ya’llternative Depression, meaning, it’s a poor man’s My Morning Jacket or Lucero…and that man is starving.

Witchcraft s/t (2004)

This is a new band (doomy boogie, if yr asking) that has managed a sound not a day past 1971. Truth be told, it’s a little creepy.

Get Him Eat Him ?? (200?)

New band fronted by a rock critic, BUT they have been awarded GREATEST BAND NAME OF 2004!!!

Live Review:

…And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead (DC, 9:30 Club, Monday Oct. 18, 2004)

Got in by way of host’s (DD Jr.) City Paper clout. Enjoyed this band two years ago, when they were a total drug-addled mess, barely getting through the major label debut that had so much promotional blood and sweat behind it, only to flop, flop, flop, flop. Now they’re touring right before an album hits, which means that Interscope is thinking of making this sound: Drop, drop, drop, drop, drop. They were terrible. You could have switched the vocals around and had any number of Christian Screamo bands. Not even the double drummers could save it. Double drummers always save it.

The Unsexiest Cars On The Road

Posted in Uncategorized by Andrew Earles on October 14, 2004

The Mercury Mystique (’96 – ’99)

The Dodge Neon (any year)

The Cadillac Seville (the late-70’s boxy model)

The Mustang II (mid-to-late 70’s…John Delorean’s first big fuck-up…got him fired from Ford)

The Buick Bitchtrigger (late-80’s)

The Pontiac Yeller (any year)

The Plymouth Futility (early 80’s)

The Lincoln LowImpact (00’s)

The Geo Gaywader (90’s)

The Kia Midwest (late-90’s)

The Chrysler Clinic (mid-80’s)

Reruns! (1)

Posted in Uncategorized by Andrew Earles on October 11, 2004

Due to writing deadlines, school, work, and my departure for DC on Friday, I’m going to post some of my favorite reruns. I’m creatively tapped-out, and will be for the next week and a half.

The Rest Of The Street Team

I write a column in a national music magazine that affords me the opportunity to poke fun at new/overrated/bad albums. It gets an unknown degree of attention and generates an unknown amount of hate mail (that nevertheless manages to find me).

Here’s an example:

This e-mail was sub-headed “Ha Ha” and was sent by an employee (of what stripe I don’t know) of Vagrant Records…

That’s so funny you totally queend out on like 7 good bands in this month’s issue of magnet.

What’s even more funny is that it will only help with record sales (especially in dashboard’s case). Weird how that works huh?

Thanks!
Fernando.

Wow. You really got me. Stop twisting the handle, please…

Some entries get cut due to space constraints, poor target choices, or shoddy writing on my part. I assume that the discarded entries below are mine for the posting, so…..

FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE
Welcome Interstate Managers
You’re fired. So what happened here? Did the entire band just get out of rehab? A “this is it, guys, our last chance, it’s now or never” conversation preceded
the writing of this record. “Stacy’s Mom” is grade A Dawson’s Creek Cameo Band bullshit. Mom’s are exactly where this band is going to be getting its action after this one.

JESSY MOSS
Street Knuckles
For about a week, I thought the name of the band was Street Knuckles. I was very excited. I pictured this Molly Hatchet throwback badass Jacksonville Florida three-guitar nightmare/fantasy awaiting me. Maybe, if I was lucky, the lead singer/rhythm guitarist would even be, like, in a wheelchair or something. No.
No. No. This is tedious “tough-girl” Brit rap with the picture perfect media-ready “fucked-up on the dole” childhood back-story. She’s being marketed as a
new young estrogen rocket. Do we really need another feminist ambulance-chaser to make issues out of non-issues? Do we need Bratmobile From The Block?

VENDETTA RED
Between The Never And The Now
Two matching vowel sounds plus a primary color in the name. You are at the
mercy of the stupidest person in your apartment complex, and this is the guy
who will burn it down. But not before he’s caught you in the parking lot 40
times and finally guilt-tripped you into seeing his shitty band. Shouldn’t have bought that bug-ridden bag of dirtweed from him eight months ago; now
you have a Vendetta Red coffee table coaster.

NICKLE CREEK
This Side
REALITY SHOW IDEA!!! The members of Nickel Creek have to spend six months in an unheated Appalachian cabin eating acorns. Maybe they’ll have to
replace the “My Grass Is Blue” bumper sticker on the tour van with one that
says “My Lungs Are Black.” Slummers are a hoot. Guess it’s a little hard to eat
Ethiopian food out of a rusty hubcap; can’t just sop it up with a biscuit, y’all. This is being called “Alterna-Grass” by mouths on straight faces across the nation. They look like former band geeks with a sponsorship from American Eagle Outfitters. Like the similarly done up modern country band, Rascal Flats, the two dudes in Nickel Creek pose the question, “Is it gay or country?” These people actually pose for pictures while standing in a creek. Nickel Creek will have plenty of time to think about the crimes they committed to your ears after ten years of 11:00 AM Farm Aid slots.

More Of The Rest Of The Street Team

Here’s some more cutting room floor “Where’s The Street Team” entries. See the previous post for an explanation. These were written for the column’s first appearance – back in April or May or something. I can tell why these were cut. Not that hot, I must say, not that hot…..

ALL-AMERICAN REJECTS
S/t
I didn’t even think that Emo bands were stupid enough to try the self-deprecation route in 2003. The carrot that Dreamworks waved in front of these kids is going to pale in comparison to the proverbial major label dick they’ll be removing from their bums four years down the pike.

SIGUR ROS
()
Post-Good.

LIZ PHAIR
S/t
The barfly of Wicker Park returns with an album for people who fuck to NPR.

THE MUSIC
S/t
Oooooh…….block rockin’ beats over psych guitar….it’s called Primal Fucking Scream people!!

A.F.I.
Sing The Sorrow
Pardon me kids, but I’m going to have to ask to see what you have in your giant cargo pants there. The new A.F.I. CD…..I’ll tell ya what, you hand it over, and I’ll turn a cheek when you lift it out of the cutout bin in three months.

BOYSETSFIRE
Tomorrow Come Today
Pull down that baseball cap and scratch your extreme facial hair, because the 1,943th reason that our political climate currently sucks is…envelope please…aural annihilation by thousands of shitty hardcore bands!!!!

ANI DiFRANCO
Evolve
…..into someone who sells smart drinks at the next Burning Man Festival.

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