Andrew Earles

The Road House of Mafia Films

Posted in Uncategorized by Andrew Earles on December 27, 2004

Assassination Tango

Written, Directed, Produced, and skewed all to hell by a confused Robert Duvall

Assassination Tango firmly adds Robert Duvall to a certain class of old actors. That certain class is termed �OUT OF THEIR FUCKING MINDS.� In the case of Duvall�s latest ultimate driver�s seat outing, calling it self-indulgent would be an insult to self-indulgence. The same nebulous greatness that shines from Road House is present here, albeit divergent subject matter. I pieced this absurdity together through several cruise ship hangovers, as it played back-to-back in my cabin on channel 16. If everything else is left demolished during my hangovers, I can safely say that my sense of humor somehow becomes acutely silly. Therefore, I made some notes.

From some scrawl across Carnival Cruise Lines stationary, I develop this for you:

Duvall plays a hit man of ill-defined organized crime association. He works for a man named �Frankie� who just so happens to own a bar called �Frankie�s.� Duvall�s character explodes into �fuck�-ridden tirades at absolutely no provocation, usually during civil conversations over coffee. Self-proclaiming to be �the best� at hits, he is sent to Argentina to off a political figure of unexplained position or relevance. While there, he becomes obsessed with tango dancing, a counter plot that should appeal to the menopausal word-jumble aficionado in all of us. The Argentine point of contact is played by Ruben Blades (1), who excels in un-acting and flinching as a result of Duvall�s many unforeseen and rootless outburst.

Back home (New York, I think), Duvall is enamored with his girlfriend�s ten-year-old daughter. In Argentina, Duvall shoots men in broad daylight (2) while dressed/disguised as a longshoreman (skullcap and fake beard). He even shoots a custom�s agent (�who the fuck are you� �who the fuck�s asking??� �let me fucking finish taking a leak here�) in an airport restroom, and under the apparent impression that forensic science stopped around 1970, deposits the murder weapon in a trashcan down the hall.

His character claims to have previously �operated� for ten years in Guatemala, though still manages to bring much unneeded attention to himself on foreign soil, especially through random arguments with strangers � scenes which are grade A- lowlarious (3).

The dance sequences are hard to take, and rudderless romantic conversations between Duvall and the Argentine love-interest/tango expert drag on for eternal minutes. There�s no shortage of �tango is the future,� �tango is love,� �tango is eroticism,� etc malarkey.

Duvall uses a tiny, single-shot .22 caliber purse gun throughout the film, meaning he walks right up to his prey. Scenes of tango dancing are piggy-backed with scenes of Duvall, tiny ponytail combed out, rocking no shirt, cleaning the diminutive pistol, and test firing it into a phone book. After doing so, he exclaims, �Yes!!�

The senseless plot trails off in 49 different directions. Characters start development, only to be never seen again. The assassination and subsequent escape result in a science-fiction level of implausibility over the latter part of the film.

Has anyone seen this movie? Please speak up. And no, that�s not all I have to say about the cruise. You�ll just have to let it trickle out.

(1) Does the man not have a badass name? Yup.
(2) Always mumbling �you motherfucker� before pulling the trigger.
(3) I just made that word up. Back off.

And before I go……

Posted in Uncategorized by Andrew Earles on December 16, 2004

A Introductory Glossary Of Terms/Phrases Used In The Car Business

“Gladys, Irene, Martha, Mary”

How male car salesmen address other males.

“Do you get a free tank of gas with the car? Lemme ask you something, Gladys… when you bought your wallet, did it come with a twenty dollar bill?”

“Knocked His/Her Dick Off”

Acquiring a large sum of money for a car that may or may not be worth said amount.

“I Wonder What The Poor People Are Doing Tonight”

What certain types of car salesmen say under the influence of a particularly good week. These weeks tend to be followed by several bad ones.

“Thundercougar”

A previously wrecked Ford Thunderbird or Mercury Cougar that has been fitted with the front body panels of the sister car. Only works with ’89 to ’96 models.

“Lot Rock”

Low level, low impact, automobile with serious problem, such as the need for a new transmission or other costly work that would “turn the car upside down” (repairs = more than car is worth). These cars serve an important purpose, especially the ones that harbor loud problems. When a customer inquires about the automobile (they are usually fine visually), the salesman can say, “Oh no, I wouldn’t sell you that one, it needs ______.” Trust is established.

“Fucked Like You Didn’t Know You Could Get Fucked”

Self-explanatory.

Happy Holidays To (some of) You

Posted in Uncategorized by Andrew Earles on December 14, 2004

Out with the Christmas List; on with the regular postings. Lotta goddamned good that thing did. Thanks to Rob Carmichael for sending me a couple of Animal Collective CD’s, and, uh, thanks to no one else. My PO Box has not been lonely, oh no, and though it has diddly-shit to do with Christmas, some fine peepsies were thoughtful enough to send some items. Today’s trip to the box yielded the following:

The customary package from Load Records. Nice Guy Of Superior Intellect Ben McOsker “loaded” me up with his latest anti-social stocking-stuffers. The new Burmese CD (“Men”): Not suitable for female consumption, I’d say, despite having some loose Erase Errata affiliation. This is hands-down the most hateful music I’ve ever heard (four minutes of). It’s a soundtrack to watching your cat die, or something, so…I’m passing due to weak tummy. Often it is an act. This is not an act. Like Whitehouse, but with genuine scare tactics. Sightings are next with “Arrived In Gold.” Love the title; haven’t heard the CD yet. Last from Load…the Kites/Prurient “The Hidden Family”/”+White+” split CD. Excepting the last track, this might be what a cat hears as it’s dies.

From Merge Records: The new Lou Barlow CD “Emoh” – get it? It’s no “Evol.”

Recent CD’s by The Comas and The Blood Brothers showed cuz I have to write about them, same with the brand new Mercury Rev. About Mercury Rev: The past 14 years have not produced a pop song on par with “Car Wash Hair.”

I’m on new lists due to new writing gigs, and the metal arrives!!

A package from Black Lotus Records stuffed full of you-name-it.

CD inserts tell the stories…

Olethrio Rigma O
Album Title: “Tormos Tis Exousias Promotional Use Only Not For Sale”
Genre: Punk/Metalcore
Origin: Greece

Earles’ pre-listen synopsis: “Good luck.”

Thanatos
Album Title: “Undead. Unholy. Divine. Promotional Use Only Not For Sale”
Genre: Death Metal
Origin: Holland

Earles’ pre-listen synopsis: “What exactly do you have to complain about in Holland?”

Sarissa
Album Title: “Masters Of Sins Promotional Use Only Not For Sale”
Genre: Classic Epic Metal Combined With Symphonic Progressive Elements
Origin: Greece

Earles’ pre-listen synopsis: “Thanks for the warning.”

Haterush
Album Title: “Mark Of The Warrior Promotional Use Only Not For Sale”
Genre: Heavy/Power Metal
Origin: Sweden

Earles’ pre-listen synopsis: “That is not a ‘Heavy/Power Metal’ band name.”

Airged L’amh
Album Title: “The Silver Arm Promotional Use Only Not For Sale”
Genre: Epic Folk Metal
Origin: Greece

Earles’ pre-listen synopsis: “The Corn-Studded Turd.”

Negative Creeps
Album Title: “Mutual Annihilation Promotional Use Only Not For Sale”
Genre: Thrashing Metalcore
Origin: ???

Earles’ pre-listen synopsis: “Why are they withholding the country of origin? With a mayor-of-crapopolis name like ‘Negative Creeps’, who gives a shit?”

also from Black Lotus, but in a different envelope, comes two releases from Chris Caffery. One is a 2 CD set, the other a single. The single CD is Christmas-themed.

Hey Gladys, do you know who the fiddly-fuckaroo Chris Caffery is? He is none other than THE guitar badass from Floridian power metal / diet thrash legends Savatage – notable for being the only band from Florida that did not play death metal.

Jesus Palomino!! Can you believe that someone would have the gonads to try this album cover????

There is no “power” or “metal” to be found within the 44 hours of music. Sugar! Sugar! Sugar! Sugar!

What the fuck is happening?!?! The world really is ending!!! I’m getting eye-raped over here!!!

Until I return from the cruise w/Mom….Merry Christmas!!! Next update: 12/27

A closing word from Scag Winesack, Retired P.I.

“I’m lookin’ to latch onto this energy drink craze, and have created Scag Winesack’s Roof Juice. It consist of ground up twigs, acorns, and horse apples, plus rain runoff and day old AA Meeting Folgers (this is where the energy comes from). It’s endorsed by Stacy Keach – I was a consultant on the “Mike Hammer” series in the early 80’s. He and I chased a lot of skirt together.”

My Christmas List (updated again)

Posted in Uncategorized by Andrew Earles on December 5, 2004

Welcome to my morphing Christmas list. You can be one of two people: 1. A person who helps to fulfill these wishes, or 2. A person who helps to ruin my Christmas. Check back daily for changes and additions!!

This is my address:

Andrew Earles
PO Box 820912
Memphis TN 38182

(Note: I’m leaving for a cruise (w/Mom) on 12/18, and will be returning 12/25. Items either need to arrive prior to 12/18, or my PO Box needs to be overflowing on 12/27 – your choice)

A cure for whatever ails my 1986 Jeep Cherokee – I’ve pulled two full years of hearty service from this truck, so to defy logic, I can’t let it go. When it died, it died right in front of my apartment, rolling nicely into a parking space. Now, that’s respect. Probably a fuel pump, bee tee dbl u.

A cure for this year’s wallop of seasonal depression

Oooohhhh……this bookself, or two….

New CD’s: The Slowdive 2CD retrospective, Jesu, Cult Of Luna, Hood, Smoke and Smoke, Autistic Daughters, Ted Leo, and the latest and last issue of Bananafish Magazine. I’m trying to get back in the game, folks. Bothering publicists/labels, though they have no problem bothering me, might bring me half of this list.

A cheap, used copy of this easy-to-find book

An iPod of decent capacity

More writing gigs

An attractive nightstand

A special cat food formula that eliminates shedding, shitting, moving whilst on bed with a human, hair balls/vomiting, and eating, but promotes fetching, walking upright on hind legs, a 987 word vocabulary, and the wearing of a monocle.

This, this, and this.

The Best American Crime Writing of 2002, 2003, and 2004

Motel America: A State-By-State Tour Guide to Nostalic Stopovers

Troy Piava’s Lost America

Assorted Fire Events: Stories by David Means

The Secret Goldfish: Stories by David Means

A Toyota Landcruiser – Early 80’s (round headlights). Less than 130,000 mi. No stupid shit (lift, winch, racks, etc).

A 4+ mega pixel digital camera – Reputable brand.

Vader’s Beast and Litany

William T. Vollmann’s Rising Up Rising Down (Seven Volume Set)

The Oxford Dictionary of National Biography Plus Index of Contributors

V/A Love, Peace & Poetry: African Psychedelic Music (Shadoks Music ) – CD or LP

Simon Finn’s Pass The Distance – I have this ripped onto a computer that I never sit in front of.

Sontag & Kael: Opposites Attract Me by Craig Seligman

Pavement’s Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain: L.A.’s Desert Origins deluxe reissue

Spirit They’re Gone Spirit by Animal Collective

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