Andrew Earles

Notes used on stage while performing as “Andrew Dice Clean: The World’s Only PG-Rated Andrew Dice Clay Impersonator.”

Performance time: Around 12 minutes.

Performance rating: Eh….5/10. There have been worse.

Notes:

(spelling altered to stress accent)

Andrew Dice Clean

Repeat who and what I am several times….

Finale: “The other day this young lady was givin’ me an over-the-jeans-handjob”

(handwritten: replace “young lady” with “my wife”)

(switch mic on and off) “Even the microphone don’t wanna hear my jokes….”

“I do youth group functions, corporate luncheons…..”

“I guess, you know, masturbating is the way to go, but I really didn’t start doin’ that ‘til I was 22, 23……oh”

(handwritten: end with “No…….really.”)

“Let’s say your havin’ intercourse, and your life partner gets pregnant, well, in about three monts you take her to the doctor where dey got dis machine that makes her stomach invisible, and you get to tell if you gots a boy or a girl….hey!!!

“Good to see everyone made it through KY2.”

Continuously ask people in audience to put out cigarettes….

Act offended and hurt at audience cursing and heckling….. “I spent a lot of time on this….” or “In case you haven’t noticed, snapperhead, there are women in attendence….”

(do Dice Clay impersonation of women)….but I love her, I bought her a flat screen TV for Christmas, a $900 dollar gift certificate to Macy’s…..

She’s, you know, vacuumin’ and sweepin’ around the house, so I walk up to her and say, HEY, why don’t you let me do that…..Ooooh!!!

“Some people like to talk during intercourse….I like to say a few tings myself: ‘Don’t mind me.” “I’ll me in the corner vomiting.”

Bad impersonations

Catch phrase: “Let’s Take It Down A Notch”

Celebrities that he’s met:

Joe Piscopo

Michael Rapaport

“I’m a promise keeper, are you a promise keeper?

Went on celebrity cruise. Met Alan Alda and Bob Newheart. “Good family men. Nice guys”

Has performed at AARP-sponsored cruises.

Da Vinci Code (“I don’t read much, but….”)

Handwritten: “I do rehab special days, birthday parties for the elderly…”

“The other day a female co-worker was signin’ this invoice, and I felt a rustling in my toolbelt, if you get my drift, and I had to remind myself, ‘Dice, you’re a promise keeper.’”

Handwritten: Pick out audience members (couples)…. “So….when was the first time, you know, you….called her on the telephone?”

“Is she real good at, real good at, you know….conversation?”

Host (Alan Chernoff): Let’s talk a little bit about where your career has been –

Clay: (laughing in disbelief) I can’t believe it, you know what I mean?

Host: You, of course, were a headline guy, and then –

Clay: I’m still a headline guy, you know what I mean?

Host: For a while you popped out, and now you’re coming back (motioning a cycle with his hands) –

Clay: I’m coming back… (imitating the host – motioning a cycle with his hands) it’s what I do…

Host: For a while you were actually… you were running a gym? Tell us about that.

Clay: (irritated) Running a gym?

Host: Weren’t you running a gym at some point?

Clay: You’re supposed to be a news guy, where are you getting your fucking information?

Host: That’s our research…

Clay: This is ridiculous. I come on CNN, and the guy don’t even know what he’s talking about. Go ‘head.

Host: At no point were you running a gym?

Clay: No, no… running a gym? What do you need a workout or something?

Host: Do you need to take a time out?

Clay: Jesus fucking Christ… with these guys. I come on the news for two seconds… an-and you want to say… every time I do an interview a guy wants to open his fucking mouth. Can’t even do a little fucking routine here.

Host: Alright Andrew, thank you very much, we thought that you could hold back.

Clay: (removing microphone) You know? Go fuck yourself. You know what? Fuck the whole fucking network. (leaves)

Host: (to camera) Alright. We’ll go back to talking about Art Carney.

Clay: (off camera) Fucking jerk-off. Fucking asshole guy.

Host: And we’ll be back in just a moment to fill you in on the Art Carney situation.

Must be all of those nine dollar bottles of water on the Warped Tour.

….on live radio.

“I’ve never done anything like this before, but life only deals you a great hand every once…….whatever……anyway

Hopefully this is box number 823452, Single White
Female 27 seeks Single White Male 23 – 35. Off the
hook Goddess seeks walking, breathing, Good Times
Factory for giant margaritas and blazing nights that
never end. Interests include karaoke, jalapeno cheese
poppers, and The Climax Blues Band.

Well, sounds wicked. I’ll tell you a little bit about
myself. My name is Samson. I’m 31. I’m a pool
lifeguard at the Casa Del Aqua Caliente’ Apartment
Complex. That’s where I live, in a two-bedroom with a
balcony and open kitchen bar. I’m also a lifeguard at
the Paddleboat Parlor, a manmade paddleboat facility
near the Grand Prix Go-Cart track, in case you were
unfamiliar. So that makes me a full time lifeguard. I
drive a loaded 2001 Pontiac Aztec. I have to have
something kinda big so I can carry around the little
rugrats on every other Friday and Saturday, Dalton,
Zen, and Scirocco, my three boys. Scirocco means
desert wind. I am divorced, have been for eight years,
before that I was married for six months.

I have an extensive collection of factory cassettes,
cassette boxed sets, and maxi-cassingles. We can pick
out a bunch of faves for the first date. I’d
personally like to hear the Jeff Healey Band’s “Cover
to Cover” album on our first date, they do a lot of
Hendrix material on that one. Hey, but maybe I’m getting
ahead of myself here.

So yeah, I love music. Love the Red Rocker, went down to his Cabo Wabo cantina in Mexico earlier this summer and almost didn’t make it back if you get my drift. You go there once; you’ll be there twice!! HAHAHAHA.

I like giant pretzels, especially the honey mustard kind. I love movies, I really dig that new dude Jackie Chan, just saw MIB II and Mr. Deeds, both killer, I CANNOT wait for the Crocodile Hunter movie, Snowboard Academy was hilarious, and I love that Earnest guy, I wonder why he hasn’t done anymore movies where he goes places, I dug NP2TK a lot, that’s short for Nutty Professor II The Klumps, loved EuroVac, or European Vacation, sorry, little habit there, lesee, oh The Fast and The Furious – I look a little bit like Vin Diesel – HAHAHAHA – just joshin’ Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back was awesome, loved Dragonheart, in fact, one of my kayaks has a big dragon painted on the side of it, Orange County was where it was at, man that movie was funny, so yeah, you might say I’m a film buff. Don’t want to get off track here.

I enjoy collecting t-shirts that have cool phrases
printed on them, like, right now, I’m wearing one that
says “Where The Hell Was I Last Night?” HEHEHEHEHE
I have one that
looks like the U-Haul logo, but it says “U-Suck”
instead. I have on that says “Where The Hell Are All
The Babes?” I have another that says “Don’t Drink and Drive, you might spill your drink.”

I would like to meet you, this Friday, at the Cockatoo Cantina, around 8pm. Can we do that? A blind date thing? I think so, I mean, I like to take big bites out of life, as if it were a giant order of quescadillios. Don’t put me out, cuz I’m on fire. I think that this meeting is the way to spray it. Cockatoo Cantina, this Friday night at 8pm. I guess I gotta tell you what I look like, well, that’s easy, the hottest dude in the restaurant!! HAHAHAHA. No really, I’m about 6.1, I have long blonde dreadlocks that will be pulled back with a scrungie, and I will be wearing a Body Glove full body wetsuit, with Doc Martin half-sandals. I can’t wait to meet you, I think that the sparks will fly. Alright, well, it’s been a slice…….”