Andrew Earles

Notes used on stage while performing as “Andrew Dice Clean: The World’s Only PG-Rated Andrew Dice Clay Impersonator.”

Performance time: Around 12 minutes.

Performance rating: Eh….5/10. There have been worse.

Notes:

(spelling altered to stress accent)

Andrew Dice Clean: The World’s First and Only PG-Rated Andrew Dice Clay Impersonator

Repeat who and what I am several times.

Finale: “The other day this young lady was givin� me an over-the-jeans-handjob”

(handwritten: replace “young lady” with “my wife”)

(switch mic on and off) “Even the microphone don’t wanna hear my jokes”

“I do youth group functions, corporate luncheons”

“I guess, you know, masturbating is the way to go, but I really didn’t start doin’ that ’til I was 22, 23…..no really.

“Let’s say your havin’ intercourse, and your life partner gets pregnant, well, in about three munts you take her to the doctor where dey got dis machine that makes her stomach invisible, and you get to tell if you gots a boy or a girl……..HEY!!!!!!”

“Good to see everyone made it through KY2.”

(Continuously ask people in audience to put out cigarettes)

Act offended and hurt at audience cursing and heckling… “I spent a lot of time on this, and in case you haven’t noticed, snapperhead, there are women in attendence”

(do Dice Clay typically-shrill impersonation of wife/a woman but quickly go into……) “But I love her, I bought her a flat screen TV for Christmas, a $900 dollar gift certificate to Macy’s….(just list a bunch of expensive items and stop….no punch-line….just stare at crowd)

“She’s, you know, vacuumin’ and sweepin’ around the house, wearin’ this really short skirt, so I walk up to her and say, HEY, why don’t you let me do that…….Ooooh!!!” (same as real Dice Clay joke but instead of “say HEY, why don’t you let me do that” he says “start f**king her in the a**”…..doesn’t make sense unless audience is familiar with source joke….but keep it in….)

“Some people like to talk during intercourse….” (very long uncomfortable pause)…..”I like to say a few tings myself like, “Don’t mind me” or “After we finish, if you or anyone else is looking for me, I’ll be vomiting in the northeast corner of the garage.”

Bad impersonations

Catch phrase: “Let’s Take It Down a Notch!!”

Celebrities that he’s met:

Joe Piscopo

Michael Rapaport

“I’m a promise keeper, are you a promise keeper?”

Went on celebrity cruise. Met Alan Alda and Bob Newheart. “Good family men. Nice guys”

Has performed at AARP-sponsored cruises.

Da Vinci Code (“I don’t read much, but this one was a pot-boiler”)

“I do rehab special days, birthday parties for the elderly and/or disabled, youth group functions including lock-ins, corporate luncheons, company potlucks, field trips, motivational seminars (stand-up during intermission or breaks only…I do not host the seminar itself), Promise Keeper functions, birthday parties in the home, hospital visits, retail store grand openings or special sale events, Saturdays @ car dealerships, company/corporate Christmas parties and parties celebrating other holidays (not Halloween), AmWay conventions, wedding receptions, and many more occasions.

“The other day a female co-worker was signin’ this invoice, and I felt a rustling in my toolbelt, if you get my drift, and I had to remind myself, “Diceman, you’re a promise keeper.”

Handwritten: Pick out audience members (couples)…. “So….when was the first time, you know, you….called her on the telephone?”

“Is she real good at, real good at, you know….conversation?”