I, I, I, I, I, WANT to delve into some solitude-inspired research re: The 2 Live Jews (strangely absent from Will Hermes’ Spin (1) piece on Matisyahu), Chunky A, and Eddie Murphy’s “Boogie In Your Butt.” I NEED to review a record, probably, some record sitting in a stack, right in front of me, a process that may or may not result in something like this. Who knows? I DO know that my mind is thoroughly blown from watching R. Kelly’s “Trapped In The Closet” proper, followed immediately by his commentary “remix.” Please see this. There is nothing like it. There is nothing like being unable to muster a decent post AFTER A FIVE DAY ABSENCE!!!
(First is 1:25 in, second call closes show)
Ha! I came up with that!
Item: Will somebody be so kind as to ID a movie for me based on a scene description?
(note: This is probably a Hal Needham movie that I haven’t seen, though that would narrow things down to Megaforce)
A father teaches bratty child how to skip stones across a pond. Child whines about being bored. Child shows no interest in skipping stones. Lamborghini Countach flies through bordering shrubs and SKIPS ACROSS THE POND!! Of course, the child responds with, “TEACH ME!!! I WANT TO LEARN NOW!!!” Or something.
Item: You should buy THIS record. I GUARANTEE LAUGHTER!! Have I already plugged this album? I’m too scrambled to even look!
Item: The Showtime Channel is worth it, if only for providing me with the Sha Na Na scene from Festival Express…A MUST SEE.
Item: The new National Trust album? A MUST HEAR!!! Funny people, too. They know more about music than you could ever hope to, if you indeed hope to. I don’t.
Item: A mention!
Item: An edited three-minute version of my Andrew Dice Clean performance concludes disc one of the fourth Makeshift Music compilation. I assume that it can be ordered here, though no info on the new volume has made the site.
John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982) – Two hours of screaming beards!!!
Me and You and Everyone We Know (2005, feels like 1994) – People, people, people, people…PEOPLE!!! If you found this film even remotely satisfying, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not start a conversation with me. We have nothing to talk about. Or, you can postpone that inevitability by not bringing up this movie. The ferociously untalented Miranda July has secured a pole position in a new film genre of my coining: ReadyMade Magazine: The Movie (1). Throw in Thumbsucker (quaint), Thirteen Conversations About One Thing (Shamespoitation-lite), I Heart Huckabees (quirky), Lovely and Amazing (more Shamesploitation-lite) as a cross section of heel-nibblers to this infuriating piece of calculable garbage. A wholly disparate movie from Napoleon Dynamite, but the two share one disturbing quality: Both are wide-angle barfings of exactly what boring, unimaginative ninnies do with surface pop culture, surface hipster culture, and safe (and in MYEWK’s case, “edgy”) humor. In a sense, the films unconsciously hate their audiences. Don’t consider yourself special or a “film person” if these films fail to insult you. I suspect that July has injected a little or a lot of her actual personality into the starring role, a character that neatly amalgamates every irritating female quality I’ve ever known. MYEWK’s only service is providing a new distaste for ex-girlfriends that should have been forgotten about anyway. Wow, she really sticks it to the art community!! She even delves into science fiction with the idea that two high school girls might court a threesome with a slovenly thirty-something pervert!! Her versatility!!
Dirty (2006) – Uproarious Training Day knock-off that tries to Denzelize Cuba with a sizable helping of Keitel’s “The Lieutenant.” Wildly unconvincing as the consummate dirtbag cop, he hobbles around for the entire scond half of the film WITH A GUNSHOT WOUND TO THE LEG!!
Basic Instinct 2 (2006) – The R-Rated soft-porn trailer is making the web rounds, but I stress, YOU MUST SEE THE CLEAN VERSION!! Watch it here. What about that censoring block, huh? WHAT ABOUT THAT?!?!?!
This concludes an “ALL-CAPS” day.
1. In tribute to a magazine that I might read while waiting in line somewhere, “Readymade Magazine: The Movie” represents a loose film interpretation of what the publication FEELS LIKE. Modeled by aging, “basic”-clad graphic designers, bartenders, social workers, and children’s museum event coordinators, Readymade’s tagline should be “Since the two of you no longer have meaningful conversation, here’s a lot of time-consuming crap to make.”