Andrew Earles

Me Posting Other People’s Hard Work

Posted in Uncategorized by Andrew Earles on April 30, 2006

….with the permission of Jeffrey Jensen. PART ONE

STREET BOOGIE
Third Draft, May 2001
by Jeffrey Jensen, Mark Henning, and Ian Marshall

EXT. CINCINNATI SKYLINE, EVENING
The Cincinnati skyline is aglow; a heavy storm is brewing in the sky. Ominous foreboding music swells in the background until a loud thunder crash accompanies a lightning bolt striking the sky.

EXT. DALE’S ROADHOUSE, NIGHT
Several people are loitering outside DaleÕs, a run-down bar. A sign reads “Tonite: The Low Down Dirty D.A.W.G.S.” DALTON, a BOUNCER bursts out of the back door, forcefully ejecting TUCKY, Bad Dawg’s father from the bar via the “belly bounce”.
DALTON
Get your drunk ass out of here Tucky!! I’ll bellybounce your ass right back to Newport if I have to.
TUCKY
But that’s my boy playin’ bass in there. Don’t fuck with the Tuck.
Dalton grabs Tucky by the throat.
DALTON
Look Tucky, you better learn some manners sir, I used to fuck old guys like you in prison!!!
A scuffle ensues and Tucky is tossed down the stairs.
INT. DALE’S PLACE, NIGHT
The Low Down Dirty D.A.W.G.S. are playing Cincinnati Nights to a practically empty bar room. The band seems unfazed by the lack of audience interest.
EXT. DALE’S PLACE, NIGHT
Outside DaleÕs an unmarked car is parked across the street. Two uniformed cops are drinking coffee inside the car: DETECTIVE EARLES and his loony partner DEUCES. Earles looks through his binoculars.
EARLES
Noise violations, loitering, open containers on the street, possession of narcotics, indecent exposure, statutory rape…the list goes on, Deuces…the list goes on. It all revolves around them…The Low Down Dirty D.A.W.G.S. If it weren’t for them my niece would still be pure!
Deuces gets agitated, pulls his gun out and opens the door.
DEUCES
Let’s get the bastards, Earles. LetÕs blow Ôem into itty-bitty pieces.
EARLES
No, you idiot! We have to wait quietly and patiently until the time is right. One of these days theyÕre gonna screw up big time, and then…like a panther on its prey…We eat Ôem…we eat every goddamned one of them.
DEUCES
ThatÕs right, we eat th…
An infuriated Earles smacks Deuces around a little.
EARLES
Shut up you nincompoop!!!!!
INT. DALE’S PLACE, NIGHT
The band wraps up the song and the crowd barely responds.

EXT. DALE’S PLACE PARKING LOT, NIGHT
The van is loaded with equipment. BAD DAWG slams the door shut. The wind is blowing wildly and thunder cracks in the distance. He holds his hand out to test for raindrops.
BAD DAWG
Looks like the shit’s startin’ to come down. Let’s find shelter. We better get a move on. Come on boys let’s get the hell outta here.
Big Dog takes a swig from his stainless steel flask.
BIG DAWG
I’m afraid I won’t be joining you boys tonight.
BAD DAWG
What the hell are you talkin’ about, Big Dawg?
BIG DAWG
I’ve got a date tonight.
BAD DAWG
A date? Lee, you sweet ass son of a bitch, you still partyin’ with that little Mexican number Margarita? Hell, I thought she got deported.
BIG DAWG
No Kenny, I’ve got a date…with destiny.
As he heads toward his Cadillac some of the others show concern about the tempestuous weather conditions.
CARLOS
You’re talkin’ crazy Big Dawg. Now get in the van.

Just before climbing in his Cadillac he turns to them.
BIG DAWG
Sayonara boys!!
He starts his car with a key on a lucky rabbitÕs foot key-chain and takes off into the night.
EXT. PARKING LOT OF THE OUTHOUSE, NIGHT
Lightning flashes and rain pours down as Big Dawg runs through the parking lot to the door of “The Outhouse”, a sleazy bar in the middle of nowhere. HeÕs using a newspaper as an umbrella and is greeted by SNAKE, the biker doorman.
BIG DAWG
I feel lucky tonight. DonÕt know what it is, Snake, but I feel reeeal lucky.
SNAKE
You better get your ass in here Big Dawg. You’ve been keepin’ them waitin’ back there for over an hour.

INT. BACK ROOM OF THE OUTHOUSE, NIGHT
Big Dawg cautiously enters the smoke-filled dimly lit secret back room. LOUIE, a tough-guy immediately frisks him. Louie pulls a stainless steel flask from his pocket. Seated around a poker table is motley crew of ridiculous over-the-top characters. Two young Middle-Eastern shirtless BOY SERVANTS flank MOHAMMED, a turban clad jihad. SWEET-DICK WILLIE JACKSON a black, mack-daddy pimp dressed in a fur coat is seated in front of TWO SASSY HOES. LITTLE RUNNING BEAR an enormous Indian chief wearing a headdress sits silently holding a tomahawk. SHING, an elegant Asian dragon lady dressed in an evening gown and wearing tons of make up suggestively smokes a cigarette from a long cigarette holder. A bespectacled FULL-BIRD COLONEL wearing a uniform adorned with an amazing array of ribbons and decorations is smoking a corncob pipe. There is also a CATHOLIC PRIEST and DIETER a German Nazi-type with a monocle. There is also a tuxedo-clad CARD DEALER present.
DIETER
Vell Mr. Bloose-man. Sit down. VeeÕve been vaiting almost an hour.
Big Dog slowly lights up a cigar. After a few contemplative puffs he takes his seat and looks around the table.
BIG DAWG
Let the games begin.
EXT. PARKING LOT OF THE OUTHOUSE, NIGHT
Big Dawg is holding a suitcase, which reads “Goin’ for Broke” as he battles the torrential wind. Thunder and lightning rage. He manages to get inside the car and drives off.
INT. BIG DAWG’S CADILLAC, NIGHT
Inside Big DogÕs Caddy an upbeat 80’s blues tune emits from the dashboard radio. The Caddy is sliding around on the road almost out of control the sound of screeching tires is heard. He can barley see out the windshield due to the thick downpour. A radio announcement abruptly interrupts the music.
RADIO ANNOUNCER
Attention motorists, I repeat attention all motorists…
Big Dog turns the radio dial cutting off the announcer.
BIG DAWG
Sacrilege!! Damn it!!! You never interrupt the blues, never!!!!!
The dial lands on a different blues station broadcasting a creepy static-heavy 1930Õs Delta Blues tune.
BIG DAWG (cont’d)
Ummm. Now that’s more like it.
INT. RADIO ANNOUNCER’S BOOTH
The same ANNOUNCER is seated in the small control booth wearing a look of serious concern.
RADIO ANNOUNCER
Attention all motorists, be advised that we have an emergency situation out at the Old Crossroads Bridge. The bridge has been struck by lightning and is out of commission. I repeat the Crossroads Bridge is out of commission. Plan an alternate route if youÕre heading north on Terraplane Highway. Now back to more Robert Cray.
He drops the needle on the record.
INT. BIG DAWG’S CADILLAC, NIGHT
Big Dog is still speeding along Terraplane highway. Suddenly he turns head and notices on the side of the road the apparition of a haggard DELTA BLUES MAN playing his guitar.
BIG DAWG
(softly)
Well I’ll be damned.
As he turns his head around we cut to a close-up of his face. He lets out an incredible scream of terror.
BIG DAWG (CONT’D)
Eeeeeaaaaayyyoooww!!!!!!!Holy Shit!!!!
Cut to a shot from the perspective of the hood of a car crashing through a “Danger Bridge Out” sign. The screen fades to black and the cacophonous sound of a horrible car crash is heard. The words “One year later” appear onscreen.
EXT. THE RIVER DAM, DAY
Bad Dawg is fishing at the river dam, standing upright with rod in hand and bass guitar strapped on. To his right is WOLF, a man sitting down on a bucket playing a harmonica
BAD DAWG
What time you got Wolf?
WOLF
(checking his watch)
Nearly four.
BAD DAWG
Holy crap I’m late!!!

Bad Dawg hands his fishing rod to Wolf and hurriedly makes his way towards the van. As Bad Dawg exits Wolf notices a pull on his line. He reels in a suitcase with the words “GoinÕ for Broke” on the side. He inspects the old suitcase and shakes his head then throws it back into the river.
EXT. CITY STREET, DAY
As Bad Dawg is cruising down the road in the van we hear the voice of COOLIE CHOPS, a radio announcer.
COOLIE
That was a cut from Walternative the new record by Walter Egan. Walter, it’s nice to have you back. All right Cincinnati CoolieÕs got time for one more tune, and I think you know what tune that may be. Yes indeed, Coolie’s talkin’ about a tune thatÕs been movinÕ up the charts like wildfire. Ouch!! Somebody get Coolie an oven mit, no make it two cuz this disc is hot…too hot to handle. Smoke she is a’risin’. Check emÕ out tonight on the Jaz Jermaine show at 10 oÕ clock. Here they are, Cincinnati’s bad boyz of the bloose… The Low Down Dirty D.A.W.G.S. with…Street Boogie.
The rockinÕ tune plays over the next sequence.
EXT. KOOZIE’S CONDO POOL, DAY
Koozie is seated in a lawn chair holding a reflective sun-tanning device. He is flanked by 2 BIKINI GIRLS who are applying sun tan oil and primping him in various ways possibly a manicure and/or pedicure. As the van pulls up he slowly rises and pulls on his satin Dawgs jacket and turns around and without looking at the ladies receives his sax in one hand and a cold beer in a koozie in the other. The camera pulls in for a close up of the embroidered name “Koozie” on his jacket and freezes.
INT. VAN, DAY
The practice of donning the jacket, freezing the frame and displaying the embroidered name of each Dawg jacket continues with each of the following sequences
EXT. SIDEWALK IN FRONT OF VEECH’S HOUSE, DAY
HANK “THE BEAT” VEECH is on the sidewalk in front of his house on his razor scooter. TWO CHILDREN are having a dispute over a toy of some kind. He appears to settle the dispute by giving both children a tube of Go-gurt. One child glurps his Go-gurt and immediately spits it out. The then kicks Hank in the shin. Hank grabs his ankle in pain and hops around as the children point and laugh then run away. He curses them with his fist as the van rolls up.
INT. THE SHARPER IMAGE, DAY
Bryce is holding some ridiculous item. He hears the honking horn and runs out the door.
EXT. THE SHARPER IMAGE, DAY
The Van pulls up to the back door of The Sharper Image. Bryce Jumps in.
INT. CARLOS’ BASEMENT, DAY
Carlos and BLADE, his Hispanic sidekick are seated at a large table littered with piles of cocaine, pills and marijuana. The room is quite dark the shades are drawn. The scene is illuminated by one single bulb overhead. With a silver spoon they are weighing portions of white powder on a scale. They look at each other and smile approvingly; Blade gives Carlos the thumbs up sign. Suddenly the phone rings, Carlos answers the phone, nods his head accordingly, hangs up, yanks guitar away from Blade and heads out the door.
INT. HOT SOUNDZ RECORDING STUDIO, DAY
The next shot is of Steven Sereno composing on a keyboard, singing and inscribing notation on the sheet music in front of him. He is seated at a large recording console surrounded by many state of the art synthesizers and recording devices. Seated to his right is JERRY, a bearded man who appears to be a recording engineer. ONYX StevenÕs statuesque Nubian bodyguard enters the frame and hands Steven his Dawgs jacket. He stands; dons jacket, waves goodbye and exits the frame.
EXT. THE DEVANEY FAMILY HOUSE, DAY
The tranquil exterior of a well-manicured suburban home is interrupted by the screeching and sudden appearance of the van in the driveway. TOMMY DEVANEY, The DawgÕs high school-aged saxophone player emerges from the front door holding his saxophone case. RON DEVANEY TommyÕs father grabs his son by the arm and appears to give him a stern warning of some kind. BARB DEVANEY TommyÕs mother hugs and kisses her son in a worried and over-protective manner. The van side door opens and large amounts of smoke pour out. Tommy runs to the van with his parents disapprovingly shaking their heads in the background.
EXT. PARKING LOT WCIN TELEVISION STUDIO, DAY
The van pulls into the parking lot of the WCIN television station. As the van grinds to a halt the final notes of Street Boogie ring out. Again the sliding door of the van opens and all of the Dawgs except Bad Dawg and Koozie spill out onto the pavement along with several empty beer cans and another cloud of smoke. They land with a thud at the feet of SHERRI SCHARPLING a no-nonsense studio executive holding a clipboard. Bad Dawg and Koozie nonchalantly exit the front of the van as Sherri expresses her disapproval.
SHERRI SCHARPLING
You guys are a half an hour late!!! The showÕs started; Jaz is already in the middle of his opening monologue. Now hurry up and get into make-up so we can you guys ready for the cameras.
Koozie slowly approaches her
KOOZIE
Relax honey.
Without warning Koozie grabs her by the back of the head and forces a passionate French kiss upon her. Sherri, whose perfect hairstyle is now all frazzled and her eyeglasses are ajar has a look of disarray and astonishment as the Dawgs make their way towards the studio door.
INT. WCIN TELEVISION STUDIOS, EVENING
In a framed shot similar to those used for opening monologues of late-night talk shows stands JAZ JERMAINE, an Arsenio hall-style black comedian on stage in the midst of his opening bit. He is dressed in very dated late 80Õs attire (e.g. baggy MC Hammer-style trousers, puffy satin “topÕ, expensive tinted eyeglasses, squared off hairstyle, and lots of gold jewelry including a long dangling earring). His monolgue is eliciting an incredible amount of laughter. He is engaging in a dialogue with his bandleader EBONY who we never see.

JAZ JERMAINE
Let me give yÕall a little piece of advice. And listen closely Ebony cuz Jaz learned this the hard way.
(light laughter)
Never I repeat never stop into Skyline Chili for a quick three-way before a hot date. Now check this out. I showed up at ladyÕs crib last night, I pull up and IÕm lookinÕ all tough she climbs into the Lexus and sheÕs sizzlinÕ hot. I mean this chick was off the hook!!! Then she turns and looks at me and says…Damn Jaz, this ride is Stank-eeeeeeeeee!!!
(riotous laughter)
INT. WCIN MAKE-UP ROOM, EVENING
In the backstage make-up room Bad Dawg, Koozie, and Sereno are seated in front of the mirror in cosmetic chairs. There are three GAY HAIR AND MAKE-UP STYLISTS buzzing around them. One of the stylists is complaining about the state of Bad DawgÕs hair.
GAY STYLIST 1
Oh my, who let the Dawgs out? Jesus Christ honey does the word conditioner mean anything to you?
BAD DAWG
No maÕam it doesnÕt. Now go easy on me goddamn it!! This is a blues band not Durrang Durrang!!
Bad Dawg grabs one of the stylists by the hair when he attempts to remove his danbanna.
BAD DAWG (cont’d)
Stay away from the dome, comprende?
Another stylist is suggestively unbuttoning KoozieÕs shirt and rubbing some kind of cream into his chest. Koozie’s not only allowing this to happen but seems to be enjoying it.
GAY STYLIST 2
You feelin the burn, stud?
KOOZIE
(smiling with his eyes closed)
Yeah…it’s hot.
Steven Sereno is receiving a trim and blow-drying treatment on his beard.
SERENO
Oh that’s it!! That feels right. Just a little trim though!!
BAD DAWG
Trim? Steven, I’m not so sure these girls are familiar with that word.
GAY STYLIST 1
Zip it Mary!!! Now sit still this won’t hurt a bit.
From the back we see large powder puffs and lipstick tubes being applied as the Dawgs squirm in their seats. Without seeing their faces the three Dawgs rise from their seats.
GAY STYLIST 3
Okay ladies whoÕs next? DonÕt be shy.
Hank Veech and Carlos enter the frame and take their seats.
INT. WCIN AT JAZ’S DESK, EVENING
Jaz is now seated behind his desk engaged in an interview with his first guest BOBO THE CLOWN; a large man dressed in a polka-dotted multi-colored clown suit. His face is painted in clown make-up and he’s wearing a big red nose.
JAZ JERMAINE
So now Bobo Wassup? But honestly, now straight up, tell me about your thang. What exactly is it that you do?
BOBO
Well Jaz, I’m a balloon sculpturist and magic clown. I entertain at children’s parties…
JAZ JERMAINE
Uh-huh.
BOBO
and nusing homes all over the Cincinnati area.
JAZ JERMAINE
Cool. That’s cool I can get with that.
BOBO
I’ve been clowning for almost fifteen years now.
JAZ JERMAINE
Hell-o! Bobo, straight up, you a trip. Now I think it’s time to get tricky on me. Know what I mean people?
Jaz incites the audience to applaud fervently.
BOBO
Well here goes. I do all kinds of balloon sculptures but I’m gonna make sumpthin’ extra-special for you Jaz.
JAZ JERMAINE
(softly)
I’d like that Bobo.
Bobo begins inflating and twisting some balloons while wearing a cuddly freakish smile. Jaz is mystified and delighted by BoboÕs tricks, as is the audience.
JAZ JERMAINE (cont’d)
Oh my. Look at that…look at that…watch him go.
The interview culminates with Bobo creating an amazing balloon-sculpted crown for Jaz, which he gleefully tries on.
JAZ JERMAINE (cont’d)
Patti Labelle eat your heart out. Come on give it up people. Bobo the Clown. Make some noise.
The audience goes crazy as the band plays some upbeat modern R&B jam. Bobo is blushing like a little boy.

JAZ JERMAINE (CONT’D)
(reading itenerary)
Now let me get this straight, you’ll be performing at Ray’s Playpen on the 25th through the 30th.
BOBO
That’s right two shows a night, then I’m off to Dayton for a weekend at Billy Bob’s Magic Cave.
JAZ JERMAINE
You the bomb Bobo.
BOBO
Thanks for having me on the show Jaz.
JAZ JERMAINE
No no no. It was our pleasure Bobo. You can come back and party with us anytime.
Bobo says his good-byes, gives Jaz a hug while pulling a coin from his ear and leaves the stage.
JAZ JERMAINE (cont’d)
Did you that? Did you see that? Damn that circus freeeak is off the hook tonight!!!!!
The audience roars with laughter.
JAZ JERMAINE (cont’d)
Well now itÕs time to bring on our featured guests tonight. I know some aÕ yÕall been waitinÕ in line all week for this trip.
(the audience begins chanting Dawgs…Dawgs…Dawgs)
JAZ JERMAINE (cont’d)
Bring it up! Bring it up! The roof is on fire! LetÕs turn this mother out for CincinnatiÕs baddest boyz…The Low Down Stanky Ugly Shady Grubby Dirty-ass Dawgs! Whooo! Whooo! Whooo!!
Now the audience is totally going out of control. The Dawgs who are absurdly made up in a Kajagoogoo-style make up job slowly strut in a “party train” formation towards JazÕs desk as an instrumental version of Cincinnati Nights plays in the background. FONG WOO, a crazy DawgÕs fan suddenly bum rushes the stage and is violently tackled and pulled off-screen by a BURLY SECURITY GUARD wearing a headset microphone and a Jaz Jermaine Show security tee-shirt. Jaz greets the Dawgs with high-fives and soulful “gang-banger-style” handshakes. Veech and Jaz engage in a NBA-style “chest bump”. The Dawgs eventually take their seats on the sofa and chairs next to JazÕs desk. The crowd is on the verge of rioting.
JAZ JERMAINE (cont’d)
Calm down people. Bring it down. Bring it on down. Dawgs ainÕt goinÕ nowhere. Chill out.
Without warning FONG WOO breaks free and makes a beeline for Bryce and presents him with a “friendship collage”.
FONG WOO
Dawgs number one!! Dawgs number one!! I love you Bryce!! Number one Dawg!!
BAD DAWG
What the hell is this?
CARLOS
I don’t like the looks of it.
Fong Woo is speaking in Vietnamese with subtitles.
FONG WOO
Dawgs number one!! IÕm number one Dawgs fan in Viet Nam!!!
BRYCE
Whoa! Slow down my man.
Fong Woo is again pulled off screen by security. Jaz takes his seat behind his desk and points to the Dawgs and shouts.
JAZ JERMAINE
Whoop!! There it izzz!!! LivinÕ large!! Believe the hype Cincinnati!!!
BRYCE
Wuh-oh!! Looks like we’ve got some pretty excited fans here tonight.
JAZ JERMAINE
Wheew damn, can somebody tell me what that was all about? I’m sorry Bryce, you okay?
BRYCE
I’m cool.
JAZ JERMAINE
Somebody get me an ice-pack cuz shit is off the hook!! Have a seat, all my dawgs. Oh my, damn there’s a lot you here.
KOOZIE
There’s seven of us now, I guess you could say it’s a full house Jaz.
JAZ JERMAINE
Then we havin’ a house party, Kooz!
The audience roars with laughter.
JAZ JERMAINE (cont’d)
I smell a couple new Dawgs in the pound. Bad Dawg get me up to date.
BAD DAWG
Well, over here to my left is the runt of the litter Jaz, smallest pup in the pound. Tommy Devaney, he’s only seventeen years old, saxophone.
JAZ JERMAINE (cont’d)
Eeeewwww, I believe I see a P.Y.T. Mmmm, I bet the ladies gotta thang for him. Take a back seat Koozie.
Cut to a shot of Tommy blushing and Koozie smiling and patting Tommy on the back.
JAZ JERMAINE
No, but seriously talk to me Carlos, who is this soul man on your right, I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure.
CARLOS
This is Steven Sereno. Keyboards and vocals. New blood Jaz.
JAZ JERMAINE
You the one singin’ on Street Boogie?
SERENO
Yes I am, Jaz. That’s me on lead. I want to tell you it feels really cool to be here tonight man. I been checkin’ out your show ever since I moved out from KC.
JAZ JERMAINE
Well I cannot take my eyes off you. I love that scarf. Where did you get it?
SERENO
Talk to my stylist Jaz.
JAZ JERMAINE
(laughing)
Oh I will, I will. Actually you all look particularly fresh tonight. Check out these makeovers. What did they do to you backstage? Y’all look like Kajagoogoo.
BAD DAWG
Hell, I don’t know. Don’t feel right though.
JAZ JERMAINE
Don’t worry Dawg, cause whatever it is, I like it. Don’t go changin’ on me, especially you Hank Veech, that beret is the bomb.
VEECH
(blushing and adjusting beret)
Awe sheesh, come on Jaz.
JAZ JERMAINE
(pointing at Veech)
S.1. W., S.1.W. Check out “the beat” and feel the heat. He’s hot people.
VEECH
Well somebody’s gotta stoke the load.
JAZ JERMAINE
And you the man Veech. Now seriously, hold up a second, time out. Let’s step out of the box for a minute. I wanna talk about…this.
Jaz pulls out a Copy of the Street Boogie LP and again the audience goes off the hook.
JAZ JERMAINE (cont’d)
I mean the hits just keep comin’. We got..
(reading off the record)
Street Boogie, Cincinnati Nights, Won’t you Please Have a Seat, Wasn’t Drunk Enough, New Wave of Blues. They all hits, for real.
BRYCE
Well having Steven in the mix has been just amazing, Jaz. As you know it’s been almost a year since we lost Big Dawg. (beat) This is the first record without him.
JAZ JERMAINE
That’s real life man. I noticed you dedicated a cut to him. That’s legit, Bryce.
BRYCE
Yeah, it’s a ballad I wrote called Bluesy Groove. I wish he was here to check it out.
JAZ JERMAINE
I’ll think we all do.
BRYCE
I guess you could say we’re really jazzed about this new one. We’re hoping to go platinum.
JAZ JERMAINE
You better be Bryce cuz this is goin’ to the top. You boys gettin’ high on those charts and just gettin’ higher. Look out Michael, this groove gonna be bigger than Thriller!!
INT. DEUCES AND EARLES’ SQUAD CAR, EVENING
Deuces and Earles are sitting in their squad car with a portable television on the dashboard. Earles is flipping through the channels.
EARLES
Aww damn it I missed Simon and Simon again.
He switches the channel and comes upon the Jaz Jermaine show.
EARLES (cont’d)
Hey what the hell is this?
Deuces is asleep snuggling with a tattered teddy bear. He has powdered doughnut all over his face and uniform. Earles slaps him around until he wakes.
EARLES (cont’d)
Wake up you numbskull! Look who’s on Jaz tonight.
DEUCES
(excited)
Eeewww, is it Bobo? I like Bobo. HeÕs Phunny.
EARLES
No you idiot!! ItÕs those Dawgs again.
They watch for a moment.
EARLES (cont’d)
You look pretty cocky right now Dawgs but just wait till we get you in the pound.
INT. SKIES RESTAURANT- DAY
Steffen and Bryce are seated at an elegant revolving restaurant.
STEFFAN
Man, Bryce you looked so fly on Ebony tonight. I got the goosey-bumps just lookin’ at ya.
BRYCE
Thanks bro, lookin’ kinda cool yourself.
STEFFAN
Stop Bryce!
BRYCE
No I’m serious. I’m really jazzed about that tie. You’re workin’ a seriously cool groove these days.
STEFFAN
Listen Bryce; you’ve always been such an inspiration to me.
BRYCE
Aww…come on.
STEFFAN
Yo, I’m serious. Remember when I was in the hospital with my infection? You were there for me. Afterwards, I didn’t want to look at my piano. You picked me up, you put me back on the bench and said “Steffan…play” Not a lot of guys would do that. You’re special Bryce.
BRYCE
Thanks Steffan, I needed to hear that.
STEFFAN
(raising his glass)
Best buds?
BRYCE
Totally.
The two toast each other.
INT. ELEVATOR, VICTORY TOWER – NIGHT
Bryce confidently struts into the empty elevator. He hits the button for the top floor. Once the doors have closed, Bryce engages himself in a conversation; a strange and distorted version of the Jaz Jermaine interview.
BRYCE
What’s that Jaz? I’m like a cooler version of Patrick Swayze? That’s a fair comparison. I’ll go with that. Jamaica or Bahamas? Hmmm. Interesting question. Let me think… Baaahhhaaaammmmaaaaas!!!
As the elevator door opens Bryce is surprised and slightly embarrassed to see TED, a fellow tenant. After an awkward pause the man eyes Bryce suspiciously.
TED
Going down?
BRYCE
Straight to the top, Ted-man.
TED
Oh. I’ll just wait for the next one.
BRYCE
No, get in. Let’s catch up.
TED (UNENTHUSIASTIC)
All right, I guess.
Ted steps inside and the elevator door shuts.
BRYCE
So Ted my bru-thaaa, did you catch Jaz tonight?
TED
Yeah. I saw you on there.
BRYCE
Looking cool no doubt. Looking very very, cool if I do say so. Feeling cool, too.
TED
Yeah. (beat) Whatever.
The elevator reaches the top floor and the door opens.
BRYCE
This where I get off: the Twilight Zone. It’s been a slice Ted-man. Wuh-oh!
Bryce bids adieu with his signature shoulder shrug move as the elevator doors close. He turns on a dime and struts toward his apartment door. He does another spin and notices an eviction notice taped to his door.
BRYCE (CONT’D)
Wuh….oh? Condos? Three days? Crap!!!!!
Bryce has trouble getting his keys out of the lock. His frustration mounts as he drops them on the floor upon entrance.
BRYCE
Shit!
He kicks the keys across the floor in anger. Exasperated, Bryce flops down on the sofa. He takes off his shoes and begins rubbing his feet.
BRYCE (CONT’D)
Jesus Bryce, keep it together. You’re losing it. You gotta stay cool. Sure- you’ve got problems. You’ve got three days to move out and nowhere to go- but that’s no reason to lose your cool. Just cuz they’re turnin’ the place into condos and kicking you out after seven years doesn’t mean you ain’t still d’man. It’s casual. Bryce can deal. Bryce can deal. You’ll think of someth- What the…?
Bryce notices an ominous blue light leaking through the door to his bedroom. A spooky sound emanates from its general direction. He becomes frightened.
BRYCE (cont’d)
Who’s there?
There is no answer. Bryce grabs a novelty light-stick and quietly creeps toward the door, keeping his back to the wall. The suspense builds as he approaches and slowly pushes the bedroom door open, almost afraid to look at what’s inside. He jumps in, wielding the light-stick.
BRYCE (cont’d)
Gotcha!!!
There is no one inside the swanky master bedroom. Bryce relaxes his attack stance and sighs with relief. All is quiet for a moment and then…
BIG DAWG
Boo.
Bryce quickly turns his head to the other side of the room and sees a glowing, ghost-like apparition of Big Dawg, reclining on his waterbed while puffing on a big stogie. Bryce is frozen with disbelief. As Big Dawg moves the cigar with his hand it makes a noise similar to a ‘light saber’.
BIG DAWG (cont’d)
Looks like youÕre in a bit of a pickle Bryce.
Bryce is shocked and cannot believe his eyes.
BRYCE
Big Dawg?!?!? Oh my god!! But you’re…I mean I thought you were dead…I mean slipped off the crossroads bridge over a year ago… what the?
BIG DAWG
(nonchalantly)
LetÕs just say that IÕm a little lighter in the britches now but it’s still me, Bryce.
BRYCE
Look I don’t know who the… or what the hell you are but..
BIG DAWG
What youÕve got on your hands here with this condo crisis is a bonafide mess, but donÕt let it faze you Bryce, The Dawgs are going too strong right now to let a little thing like an eviction slow you down.
BRYCE
I thought maybe Steffan might let me move into his crib.
BIG DAWG
Steffan is one in a million- but go to the Dawgs on this one Bryce, not Steffan. Trust me. When you’re lost without clues, turn to the Kooz.
BRYCE
What do you mean?
BIG DAWG
Go to Koozie… tomorrow.
BRYCE
Koozie? Wait? I- I don’t…
BIG DAWG
Now you’d better get crackin’ and start packin’.
BRYCE
B-b-but…
As Bryce is stammering in mid-sentence, Big Dog suddenly vanishes into thin air. Bryce shakes his head in disbelief.

EXT. KOOZIE’S CONDO POOL, DAY
A tanned and well-toned Koozie is sunbathing on a floating “koozie-chair” enjoying an ice cold beer in his subdivisionÕs shared pool. There are a couple of other SINGLES in the background sipping frozen drinks, rubbing in sun tan oil, and playing water polo. A couple FEMALE SINGLES wade by KoozieÕs chair and make eyes at him.
FEMALE SINGLES
(suggestively)
Hi there.
(giggles)
KOOZIE
Well hello ladies.
MR. CALLAHAN, KoozieÕs obnoxious and overbearing landlord, is struggling in the deep-end of the pool; he’s wearing a pair of inflatable water wings as he wades towards Koozie.
MR. CALLAHAN
Get that fuckin’ koozie-chair outta my pool!! I’m not gonna tell you again Koozie!! And uh FYI…youÕre two days late with your rent!! If I donÕt have a check by tomorrow night… itÕs your ass..itÕs your motherfuckinÕ ass.
KOOZIE
DonÕt worry Mr. Callahan IÕll have it for you tonight. Relax.
MR. CALLAHAN
Relax? Relax?! ThatÕs easy for you to say needledick. I had to put new windows 4L last month and those Mexican landscape guys are fucking me in the ass!! And I do not like getting fucked Koozie! Did you hear me Koozie?
KOOZIE
Yeah I heard you.
MR. CALLAHAN
Then donÕt fuck me!!!! Now get that thing outta here I got bugs to pick outta this pool.
Mr. Callahan proceeds to “clean-out” the pool with a small bent “fishtank-strainer” while muttering curses to himself.
EXT. KOOZIE’S CONDO POOL, DAY
Bryce Michaels is confidently strutting towards Koozie dressed in a gortex jogging suit, visor and shades. Koozie, who’s reclining in a poolside chair doesn’t notice Bryce.
BRYCE
Wuh-oh!!!
KOOZIE
Hey Bryce. What a surprise take a seat man.
Bryce takes a seat on a nearby patio chair. Koozie offers Bryce a beer.
KOOZIE
Here you go buddy.
BRYCE
No thanks Kooz, you know I’m a Breezer boy.
Bryce reaches into his igloo cooler filled with ice-cold Bacardi Breezers. He opens a Pina Colada flavored drink with a hi-tech bottle opener.
KOOZIE
Hold up, let me Kooz that for ya. Here you go.
Koozie tosses Bryce a koozie and Bryce inserts his Breezer.
KOOZIE (cont’d)
So what brings you here to my pool Bryce? Aren’t you supposed to be working at the Sharper Image?
BRYCE
(hesitates)
I took the afternoon off. Listen Koozie, when I came home last night; I had an eviction notice on my door.
KOOZIE
Ouch. What’s up with that? You’ve been livin’ up there for years.
BRYCE
Yeah, well they’re turning the place into condos. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I gotta find a new crib.
KOOZIE
Well if you’re tryin’ to tell me you want to move in, no problem Bryce. I’ll just clear out my Koozie room. I’ve been meaning to move my collection into storage anyway. As a matter of fact I’m a little short on rent so I could kind of use the help.
BRYCE
No problem-o.
They propose a toast to the new living situation.
KOOZIE
Roomies!!!!!
Cut to a close-up of two toasting koozie-clad bottles.
EXT. KOOZIE’S CONDO POOL BEHIND THE BUSHES, DAY
A roving handheld camera shot accompanied by heavy breathing suggests that something is stalking the poolside. The soundtrack is tense foreboding music.
EXT. KOOZIE’S CONDO POOL, DAY
KOOZIE
Say buddy, wanna take a dip? You got pool privleges now. I’ll run up to my…I mean our condo and get you a spare set of trunks.
BRYCE
No need for that Kooz. Thanks anyway but I came prepared.
Bryce begins to remove his bodysuit. There are inserted close-ups of some of the singles gawking and/ or snickering. The next shot is of BryceÕs stark white body squeezed into a ridiculous neon “splatter-paint” Speedo. He does a couple awkward and unusual body stretching exercises.
BRYCE (cont’d)
Oh yeah eeeww thatÕs it. FeelinÕ loose. Feelin Cool.
Just as Bryce is poised to dip into the pool he is suddenly struck very hard in the face by a stray water polo ball. He falls to the ground.
KOOZIE
Oh shit! Somebody get an ice pack!!
One of the singles races over to retrieve the ball and attempts to help Bryce. He begins by grabbing Bryce’s arm and checking his pulse.
SINGLE
Oh my god!!! Does anybody know CPR? He’s out cold.
EXT. KOOZIE’S CONDO POOL BEHIND THE BUSHES, DAY
The handheld camera “stalker shots” are much closer to the pool. The breathing and soundtrack are more intense.
EXT. KOOZIE’S CONDO POOL, DAY
Bryce is laid out getting mouth to mouth resuscitation from Koozie. As Bryce is coming to he has a visible erection contained by his tight swimwear. There is a group of singles crowded around the action. Mr. Callahan is really pissed off.
MR. CALLAHAN
Jesus Christ Koozie, you know what this is gonna do to my insurance premiums if this ass-cobra croaks?
Bryce finally comes to but everyoneÕs attention is suddenly averted when a single points to the high dive.
SINGLE
Hey everybody!!!! Look!!!
Bad Dawg is standing on the diving board poised for a dive.
BAD DAWG
Bonsai motherfuckers!!!!
Bad DawgÕs stunt double performs a perfect triple pike into the deep end. When he hits the water a cloud of brown liquid is released into that section of the pool and some other swimmers frantically try to avoid the brownness.
ENTIRE POOLSIDE CROWD
(in unison)
Bad Dawg!!!
Bad Dawg climbs out of the pool wearing a pair of soiled briefs with danbanna and shades perfectly in place.
BAD DAWG
Good afternoon everybody. I hope I’m not disturbing anyone. Did you like my dive? Olympic hopeful? Perhaps… perhaps.
MR. CALLAHAN
Damn it Koozie I told you not to bring him over here. Last time it cost me three hundred bucks to get the pool cleaned out. This time it’s comin’ out of your rent!!!
KOOZIE
No need to worry Mr. Callahan. I’ll have my rent check for you by Friday.
MR. CALLAHAN
Friday huh?

KOOZIE
Yeah, see this is Bryce…my new roommate. He’s takin’ care of the rent this month.
Bryce, from the ground extends his hand.
MR. CALLAHAN
New roommate huh? Bryce Michaels eh? Well listen here Mr. Bryce Michaels IÕm gonna be straight with you, I can tell already…I donÕt like you. Ask Koozie about me. I can be a real dick sometimes. Ain’t that right Koozie?
KOOZIE
Well..I wouldn’t..
MR. CALLAHAN
(cutting him off)
But money talks. So you’re in Michaels but I’m gonna keep my eyes on you.
BAD DAWG
(helping Bryce up)
New roomies huh? Two of my Dawgs together under one roof? You gotta be shittin’ me. This calls for a celebration.
MR. CALLAHAN
Hold up Stink Dawg. Read my lips you freak…No Parties. Kapeesh?
KOOZIE
But what about the clubhouse?
MR. CALLAHAN
You see that clubhouse.
Mr. Callahan points to the clubhouse. Insert shot of the clubhouse.
MR. CALLAHAN (cont’d)
That’s my pride and joy. Nobody but nobody parties in there unless I say so and I’m not about to let a bunch a’ smelly dogs stink up the joint so don’t go gettin’ any ideas. Y’hear me?

BAD DAWG
(with a shit-eating grin)
Whatever you say Callahan.
(takes a drag from a cigarette)
Whatever you say.
INT. ROBBER’S ROOST, DAY
Inside the Roost are PREACH and KRYSTAL SWAN. Preach is standing behind the bar and doesn’t notice Bad Dawg entering. Preach is behind the bar and only KrystalÕs knees and behind are visible. She is bent over installing a keg of beer.
PREACH
YouÕre gonna have to try a little harder than dat if you wanna fit that big thing in there.
KRYSTAL
Oh god, Preach itÕs never been this big or this hard before.
PREACH
Sure it has. Remember last time?
KRYSTAL
Oh yeah. UUUuhhh! Oh shit. IÕm not sure I can do it.
PREACH
DonÕt worry girl almost got it, I feel it cominÕ. Hmmm, oh there it goes. ThatÕs it. ThatÕs the stuff.
KRYSTAL
Finally.
PREACH
Works for me.
Bad Dawg is witnessing this whole scene and can contain himself no longer.
BAD DAWG
What the fuck? Just what in hell is going on back there?!! If I didnÕt know any better IÕd say somebody was SnuffinÕ the Rooster.
Krystal pops up from behind the bar.
KRYSTAL
Hi Bad Dawg I was just tappinÕ this new keg of Hudie Summertime Ale. We got it on tap now.
PREACH
That we do…that we definitely do. An I would of put the sucker in myself if it werenÕt this olÕ back of mine.
(Preach strains and reaches for his back)
So whatÕs all this bidness I been hearinÕ about a secret meeting?
KRYSTAL
Yeah Bad Dawg everybody’s been callin’ about it all day.
BAD DAWG
It will all be, excuse the pun, Krystal clear in just a few minutes.
KRYSTAL
Well I must say, I’m intrigued.
PREACH
Hey that Bob Seger shit you got goinÕ on back there is gettinÕ out a hand. StartinÕ to freak me out a little bit.
BAD DAWG
What did you just say?
PREACH
I said that Bob Seger shit…
BAD DAWG
(cutting him off)
ThatÕs what I thought you said. The shrine doesnÕt have a goddamned thing to do with Seger!! The Silver Bullet band was Chris CampbellÕs operation. And donÕt you forget it Preach.
PREACH
Who?
BAD DAWG
Chris Campbell the most ballsy-assed bass dawg that ever barked and wagged his tail. Seger gets all the glory thatÕs why I built the shrine in the first place! I wouldnÕt be half the man I am today without Campbell in my life.
PREACH
IÕm sorry Bad Dawg. I…I didn’t know.
BAD DAWG
ItÕs cool Preach. But now if youÕll excuse me.
Bad Dawg heads towards the back room.
KRYSTAL
Well donÕt spend too much time in there sugar cuz yer secret meetingÕs startin here in 15 minutes.
BAD DAWG
(peeved)
Krystal…stay off my ass.
INT. THE DEVANEY FAMILY HOUSE FAMILY ROOM, DAY
Tommy is practicing his sax in the family room. He’s watching “The Koozie scene” from the first Dawgs movie. He’s wearing his Dawgs jacket. Ron walks into the room and is noticeably bothered by the video that Tommy is watching.

RON
What do we have here son?
TOMMY
Oh, hi Dad. Oh this, it’s a tape Koozie gave me it’s called Saxual Healing. Isn’t he cool?
RON
I think you better go wash up Tommy. Your mother’s almost through with dinner.
TOMMY
Oh sure thing Dad, what’s for dinner tonight?
RON
It’s pizza pocket night. Now get in there and wash up young man.
TOMMY
Okay Dad, I just want to finish watching this scene.
RON
(forcefully)
Now Tommy!!!!
Tommy leaves the room and heads for the bathroom.
INT. THE DEVANEY FAMILY HOUSE, DINING ROOM, DAY
Tommy’s mother BARB DEVANEY is setting the table for dinner. Ron has already taken his seat at the head of the table. Barb calls out for Tommy to join them.
BARB
Tommy, come on your pockets are getting cold.
Tommy hurries into the room wearing his Dawg’s jacket and takes his seat.
TOMMY
Sorry Mom.
RON
Take the jacket off at the dinner table son.
Tommy begrudgingly removes his jacket.
RON
I don’t like this habit of keeping your mother waiting. What in the heck took you so long?
TOMMY
Aww, I was just checkin’ out this magazine that Koozie gave me. Its called Activity Pal.
RON
Activity Pal?
Tommy hands the soft-core male porn magazine to his father
TOMMY
Yeah it’s awesome, check out the cover. That’s Koozie!! He got paid fifty bucks for that.
Ron takes a look at the magazine and looks startled and disgusted and tosses it on a nearby chair.
RON
(forcefully)
Tommy, I think it’s about time that we had a talk…
BARB
Ron not at the table, please. Let’s just try to have a nice dinner here. Tommy have a couple pizza pockets bacon and cheddar, your favorite. Would you like some tater tots?
TOMMY
Thanks mom.
Tommy loads up his plate with a couple pizza pockets and a heaping pile of tater tots.
BARB
So how was your day at school?
BARB (CONT’D)
It was rad Koozie was our substitute. Mr. Bayjack has shingles again. Koozie brought in a video. Roadhouse with Sam Elliot and Patrick Swayze. We didn’t have time to watch it all so he just fast-forwarded it to the good parts he says there’s real life lessons to be learned in there, Koozie is amazing.
RON
(irate)
Now I think I’ve heard just about enough about this…
BARB
Oh gosh I forgot to bring your drinks to the table. Would you like Capri Sun or iced tea Tommy?
TOMMY
Uhh, I’ll take an iced tea mom, thanks.
Barb gets up to bring her son his beverage.
RON
How’s the studying coming for the SAT’s?
TOMMY
Well okay I guess. We got a big show coming up in Greenbush at Juicers I’ve been trying to work on my solos. The Dawgs are lettin me take lead on Wasn’t Drunk Enough.
Barb returns from the kitchen with Tommy’s iced tea.
TOMMY (cont’d)
Thanks mom.
RON
But the test is in two weeks if you’re gonna get into good college, your gonna need those test scores.
Tommy inserts his glass of iced tea into a koozie which, reads “Oh Sweet Bitch”.
TOMMY
Actually I wanted to talk to you guys about that. I’m startin’ to think I should maybe take a year off. I mean we’re gigging pretty heavy now, college’ll always be there.
RON
What did you say?
(addressing the koozie)
And what the hell is that?!?
Tommy picks up the Koozie to show his father.
TOMMY
It’s a Koozie dad. It keeps your drinks cold. And look it says “Oh Sweet Bitch” on it. Pretty funny huh? Koozie gave it to me I’m startin’ to collect em’.
RON
(screaming)
Goddamn it Tommy!!! I’ve heard enough about this Koozie!!! No go to your room and study for those SAT’s.
BARB
(concerned)
Ron please…
RON
Shut up Barb, this Koozie character is ruining our son.
(to Tommy)
I haven’t spent the last seventeen years putting a roof over your head to watch you throw your life down the drain.
TOMMY
(flustered)
If you don’t want me here I’ll move in with Koozie.
Tommy gets up and runs towards the door.
RON
Just where do you think you’re going, young man?!?!
TOMMY
Somewhere where people care about me!!
Tommy runs out the door. Barb gives her husband a stern look and throws her napkin on the table and leaves the room. Ron rest his head in his hands then suddenly slams his fist into the table.
INT. ROBBER’S ROOST BAD DAWG’S BACK OFFICE, DAY
Bad Dawg enters his back office and when the lights are turned on we see an amazing photo collage and memorabilia shrine to Silver Bullet Band bassist Chris Campbell. He does a bizarre air-bass/bow at the shrine and then begins a conversation with Chris as if he was actually in the room.
BAD DAWG
Hey Chris whatÕs up? I gotta little surprise for you today. I think your gonna like it.
There are close-up shots of some of the photos of CampbellÕs face. Bad Dawg presses play on his box and a lo-fi home recording version of Night Grooves emits from the box.
BAD DAWG (cont’d)
So what do you think? Sounds pretty cool huh? I knew youÕd like it. Wait!! Listen closely right there.
Bad Dawg points with his finger at the speaker.
BAD DAWG (CONT’D)
Just like you would’ve done it, Chris. WeÕre just a couple of olÕ stanky hound dawgs. AinÕt we? What are we gonna do?NothinÕ we can do except perhaps spark one up for old timeÕs sake.
Bad Dawg lights up a joint and this spiraling deranged conversation continues and gets progressively weirder with every toke. Koozie bangs on the door, peeks inside the office and Bad Dawg snaps out of it.
KOOZIE
Come on Dawg weÕre all waitinÕ for you out here. I got a date at 10 with Rhonda. I canÕt be late.
BAD DAWG
I’ll be right out.

INT. ROBBER’S ROOST STAGE, NIGHT
Seated in folding chairs in front of the stage at RobberÕs Roost are Krystal, Preach, Carlos, Blade, Koozie, Sereno, Onyx, Veech, Tommy, Coolie, STEFFAN, and TUCKY Bad DawgÕs father. They are shuffling around in their seats and chitchatting. Bad Dawg takes the stage.
BAD DAWG
Alright alright quiet down now I said SILENCE!!!
Everyone immediately hushes up and directs their attention towards the stage.
BAD DAWG (cont’d)
So I bet you’re wondering why I’ve asked you here this evening, aren’t you? Well as some you may already know one of the top dawgs of this outfit Bryce Michaels has been forced to move out of his penthouse at The Jackson Victory Tower. So listen up, here’s the scoop. Yes it’s true; we got a couple of new roomies on our hands. Our own Bryce Michaels is moving in with Koozie this weekend. This is a monumental occasion.

KOOZIE
Yeah, well so what? So Bryce is moving in with me, what does it have to do with Preach?
PREACH
Good question Kooz.
BAD DAWG
What does it have do with you? Hmmm. Good question, I don’t know, I guess you think I’m just doin’ this for my own goddamned health. Is that what you think Preach?
Fine, you can all just go home now. Class dismissed. But before you skedattle let me ask y’ a quick question. What does every man need when he moves into a new crib?
PREACH
Let’s see…movin’ into a new place uhhh…condoms?
BAD DAWG
No!!! Carlos!
CARLOS
Uhhh…posters?
BAD DAWG
Wrong again!!!Steffan!!
STEFFAN
(sobbing hysterically)
I don’t know Bad Dawg but I’m scared. Just tell us please….
BAD DAWG
Alright. Jesus Christ! Do I have it spell it out for you people? Well Okay then H O U S E W A R M wait a second. H O W S W A R
Some close ups the seated guests looking very confused are inserted here.
BAD DAWG (cont’d)
H O U S E W A R M I N G P A R T Y. Housewarming Party.
Bad Dawg holds up a party pic.
BAD DAWG (cont’d)
You see that? That’s pre-school compared to the major rager that’s gonna be goin’ down this Saturday night over at Koozie’s condo! Now here’s how we’re gonna do this thing. All of you sitting out there individually have the tools and the talent to provide this party with every ingredient necessary to make it the most unforgettable blow out in Cinci history. You all have one thing in common. In one way or another you’re all specialists
(rubbing his hands together)
and I’ve brought you all here to assign you individual duties. Koozie Morris, our resident Romeo. A party ain’t a party without ladies or koozies for that matter. We’re gonna need a lot of both.
KOOZIE
Don’t worry Bad Dawg I’ll get right on it tomorrow.
BAD DAWG
I knew I could count on ya. Hank “The Beat” Veech. Everybody knows how Breakin’ Krew’s been cleain’ up the streets.Only a ballsy-assed one man vigilante squad has the cojones to for takin’ out the trash like you do. We’re gonna need a party supervisor, security, or what those of us in the performing arts refer to as the COOLER. Tuff enough?
Veech bursts into a series of martial arts gestures punctuated by a confident nod.
VEECH
Yyyyessss!!!!

BAD DAWG
Ohhh-Kkhhay. Let’s see where was I?
Every one looks towards the door as ALICE a nerdy bespectacled young woman awkwardly stumbles into the room dropping her books everywhere in the process.
BAD DAWG (cont’d)
What the fuck!?! Who the hell are you?
ALICE
Oh I’m sorry. Uhh hi my name is Alice I’m a friend of Bryce’s.
BAD DAWG
BLADE!!!!!!!!
Blade pops up behind her with knife drawn and holds it against her throat.
BAD DAWG (cont’d)
I don’t like liars Alice, if that is your real name. Who sent you here…Callahan? Earles? Tell me!!!
Blade has Alice in a headlock. Veech calmly approaches her and gets all up in her face, he turns to walk away then reels around with a sucker punch that lays her out flat.
BAD DAWG (cont’d)
Goddamnit Veech!!!! What the hell are you thinkin’?! Check her for a wire.
Sereno hits the floor to feel her up.
SERENO
She’s clean.
CARLOS
Blade get your smelling salts.
Blade breaks a capsule under her nose. As she is coming to they make eye contact and have a brief romantic “moment”.
BAD DAWG
Listen mam’ I’m sorry about that. This is a secret meeting. You’ve got some explaining to do.
ALICE
(shaken)
I am a friend of Bryce’s. We work at the Kenwood Mall together. He works at The Sharper Image and I work dayshifts at The Bookworm a few stores down.
BAD DAWG
So you’re a friend Bryce’s. So what?
ALICE
I made these for Bryce.
Alice holds up some hand-crafted gifts.

BAD DAWG
Calm down. He ain’t here right now. But any friend of Bryce’s is a friend of mine. Take a seat.
Alice sits down.
BAD DAWG (cont’d)
We’re plannin’ a housewarming bash for Bryce. If you really want to do something special for him then show up at the party this Saturday. Hell, you can give him that crap then. And since you work down at the mall pick up some balloons down at Balloonies. One a’ those real nice balloon bouquets.
ALICE
(excited)
Do you really mean it?
BAD DAWG
Sure. Now pipe down and take a seat. I’ve got tasks to assign. Carlos and Blade…Drugs. Purest blow in Cincy. Tucky, we’re gonna need a big-ass batch of chili…like you used to make Dad. Gonna need a DJ, Sereno you’re on the wheels. Tommy, you wanna earn your paws?
TOMMY
Sure, I’ll do anything!!
BAD DAWG
That’s what I like to hear, put on the Dog costume and pass out flyers. Krystal and Preach do what you do best.
Krystal and Preach nod.
BAD DAWG
Well that about covers it we’ve only got two days…..
STEFFAN
(cutting Bad Dawg off)
Hey! What about me? I’m Bryce’s best bud. Don’t I get to do anything?
BAD DAWG
Why yes you do. Go to my office and sit tight. Now!!! Any questions?
Steffan scurries out of the room.
SERENO
I’m all cool with the plan. But I got one question weighin’ on my mind. I mean you been tellin’ all a’ us what to do and I’m cool with that. But, what are you bringin’ to the party?
PREACH
Yeah, what are you bringin’?
Several crowd members start rustling and questioning the Dawg.
BAD DAWG
Keep it down people.
The crowd silences.
BAD DAWG
(smiling mischieviously)
What am I gonna bring? Let’s just say that I’ve got a little surprise planned.
Cut to a close-up of Bad Dawg laughing maniacly.
BAD DAWG (cont’d)
Now hit the streets!!!!!!

EXT PARKING LOT, DAY
Carlos and Blade are standing next to a pay phone in a parking lot.
CARLOS
Purest blow in Cincy eh? Well, since we’ve been assigned to get the drugs I guess we gotta go to Dax and Vance. You know I don’t like dealin’ with these spoiled motherfuckers Blade. But this time there ain’t no way around it.
Carlos makes a call on the pay-phone.
INT MILBURN COUNTRY CLUB DINING ROOM, DAY
VANCE and DAX, two well-dressed preppies are enjoying a light lunch in the dining room of Milburn country Club. SHELDON, the waiter brings the young men two beverages and a phone on a silver platter.
VANCE
(to waiter)
I said a Mimosa not a spritzer Sheldon. A very simple request don’t you agree?
SHELDON
Yes sir, my apologies sir.
VANCE
Just don’t let it happen again! Hello.
Cut to a split screen of Carlos and Vance.
CARLOS
Buenos Dias Nanook. How’s the weather up at The North Pole today?
VANCE
The weather today? Looks like snow lots of snow.
CARLOS
Real white out eh?
VANCE
Let’s cut the crap Carlos. Dax and I are over here at Milburn having some brunch. You know I don’t talk business on the phone.
CARLOS
Be there in twenty.
VANCE
And uh Carlos snow’s comin down pretty hard, might wanna bundle up. And one more thing Carlos, don’t ever call me Nanook again.
CARLOS
(flatly)
Whatever.
Vance hangs up the phone.
DAX
Let me guess. The Dirty dog’s on his way?
VANCE
Unfortunately.
DAX
Why ever did you invite those savages?
VANCE
Let’s just say I’m feeling rather playful. Feel like having a little fun Dax?
DAX
Indeed.
The preppies toast each other, throw their heads back and laugh diabolically.
EXT MILBURN COUNRY CLUB, DAY
Carlos and Blade approach the front door of Milburn and are greeted by a very snooty doorman.
DOORMAN
Good day gentlemen. Uh-hum.. may I help you?
CARLOS
Me and my partner Blade are here to see Vance.
DOORMAN
Oh, Mr. Witherpsoon. Yes, I see. He’s dining in the Sunset room.
CARLOS
Then step aside.
DOORMAN
(amused)
Oh, I’m afraid you and your…um partner cannot be admitted due to your…umm attire.
CARLOS
The vest is snake-skin bud. I paid five hundred bones for this bitch down in El Paso.
DOORMAN
I’m sorry sir but here at Milburn we adhere to a strict “no denim” policy. May I suggest the Pro-shop for more suitable attire?
CARLOS
Jesus Christ!!!!!
Blade threateningly pulls his knife and startles the doorman.
CARLOS (cont’d)
Save it! He ain’t worth it. Come on let’s get some duds.
Carlos and Blade leave the scene.
INT. CLASSROOM – DAY
Koozie is monitoring a math exam in progress. His coffee cup is contained in a koozie. He positions himself at his desk so he can discreetly look between the legs of a pretty student in the front row, PATSY. He catches a glimpse of her panties and is surprised to see his own name, “Koozie” in a heart written on them in fabric paint. Koozie gulps and his eyes bug out. Eugene, a nerdy student, rings the bell on Koozie’s desk. Koozie snaps to attention.
EUGENE
Finished Mr. Morris. With over an hour to go, too! Piece of cake! Hey- I saw you on t.v. the other night.
KOOZIE
Good for you! Now, get lost Eugene! People are trying to concentrate.
EUGENE
Have a good summer everybody! I’ll see you at computer camp!
STUDENT 1
Yeah right, geek!
Koozie walks Eugene to the door and shoves him out. He watches him make his way down the hall. Koozie checks to see if the coast is clear.
KOOZIE
Okay, he’s gone everybody.
Koozie picks Eugene’s finished exam up off the desk.
KOOZIE
Here it is. Copy fast ’cause we only have an hour or so and remember give yourselves at least a couple of answers wrong on purpose. You can’t all get 100%.
STUDENT 1 grabs the exam and begins feverishly copying Eugene’s answers.
KOOZIE
Everybody… when you’re finished just put your exams in a pile on the desk and exit the room. Rest up tonight ’cause I expect you all to be at my big bash tomorrow night. Patsy… I need you to stay behind afterward. I have an important… uh- announcement for you.
He cocks an eyebrow at Patsy and smiles.
EXT. CITY PARK, DAY
Hank “the beat” Veech is cruising among joggers and pedestrians through the park on his razor scooter. He’s wearing a pair of nunchucks on his belt. He comes upon a couple, RANDY, a well-toned, tough guy wearing a sleeveless T-shirt and TIFFANY, a pretty young student. The couple is “making-out” passionately on a park bench. Veech stops behind them and surveys the situation.
RANDY
(kissing Tiffany passionately)
Oh baby, it’s so good. It’s so fuckin’ good.
TIFFANY
Randy, I love you. But not here, okay?
RANDY
(forcefully kissing her)
Come on Tiffany, I love you too baby.
TIFFANY
Randy!! Please.
They are interrupted by the authoritarian voice of Veech.
VEECH
Date Rape is crime!!! Release the woman.
The couple turns around startled.
VEECH (cont’d)
(forcefully)
I said release the woman. Now, punk!!!
RANDY
What the fuck?!
TIFFANY
It’s Okay..I’m okay.
VEECH
Ma’am you’re still in the denial stage. I’ve seen it a million times.
RANDY
Just who in the hell do you think you are buddy?
VEECH
My name’s Hank “the beat” Veech, I’m tryin’ to clean up this park…solo.
RANDY
Well what the fuck are you doin’ here?!
Randy gets ups to confront Hank.
VEECH
(smugly)
What the fuck am I doing here?
Veech pulls the nunchucks from his belt and pulls a few amazing moves with the weapon.
VEECH (cont’d)
(softly)
I’m just takin’ out the trash.
The two start circling around each other like wild dogs waiting to pounce.
RANDY
Come on motherfucker!!!!!
VEECH
Make your move punk!!!
TIFFANY
(screaming)
No Randy!!! No!!!
Veech and Randy begin going at it. Veech is terribly outclassed and Randy is really cleaning house on him. Yet, Veech is unrelenting. Randy easily takes Hank’s nunchucks.
VEECH
You shouldn’t have done that.
RANDY
Oh yeah, why not?
VEECH
Because those
(bad Japanese pronunciation)
nunchuka don’t belong to you.
RANDY
Here you go faggot, have em’ back!!
Randy begins beating the living shit out of Hank with the nunchucks. Veech falls hard to the ground as a trickle of blood runs from his mouth. Randy and Tiffany flee the scene. The shot widens to reveal Bryce Michaels, clad in his gortex jogging suit speedwalking with a portable headset coming upon the scene. Bryce notices Veech laid out on the ground.
BRYCE
Hank? Oh my god!! Are you okay?
Bryce helps Hank to his feet and dusts him off. Hank is already showing severe bruises on his bloody face. Hank is stumbling around in a state of shock.
VEECH
I’m fine. Where’s my razor?
BRYCE
It’s right here buddy.
Bryce grabs the scooter off the ground and returns it to him.
BRYCE (cont’d)
Veech what the heck happened to you? Who did this to you?
VEECH
(flustered and unbalanced)
Nobody, I just fell down.
In an attempt to mount the razor, Hank nearly falls over.
BRYCE
Look, I better call you a doctor.
VEECH
No!!! I’m fine.
BRYCE
Then at least let’s do lunch. Smoothies and wraps, what d’ya say?
Bryce whips a credit card out of his hip-pouch.
BRYCE (cont’d)
It’s on me.
VEECH
(crazed)
I don’t need your goddamned smoothies, Bryce!!!
BRYCE
How bout just a wrap then?
VEECH
Get the fuck away from me!!!!!
Hank speeds away on his razor. Bryce shakes his head and pulls out his dated cellular phone and dials a number.
BRYCE
Hello. Bad Dawg? Yeah. It’s Hank…we’ve got to talk.
EXT. BAD DAWG’S GARAGE, DAY
Bad Dawg and Bryce are seated outside of Tucky’s Garage.
BAD DAWG
Bryce, what’s up?
BRYCE
I saw Hank at the park today. He’s startin’ to crack up.
BAD DAWG
Say no more, let me handle it. Okay Bryce?
BRYCE
I’m cool with that.
BAD DAWG
Great, so listen bud I think we got about everything covered for this party. I just got off the phone with O’Dooley an’ he’s sendin’ over twenty kegs of Hudie…and what flavor of Breezers did you say you wanted?
BRYCE
Pina Colada, what else?
BAD DAWG
I seem to remember you drinkin’ the blue ones on special occasions.
BRYCE
Oh, Calypso…Yeah you’ll catch me with one of those from time to time (in a sleazy, sultry voice), especially on extra HOT nights.
BAD DAWG
Uh, O.K., whatever you say, it’s your day. Where was I? Oh yeah the Breezers. I’ll have O’Dooley send over ten cases of Pina, and I’m no Nostradomus but I got a feelin’ things might be gettin kinda hot on Saturday, so I’ll have him throw in a couple cases of Calypso for good measure.
BRYCE
Wow, thanks a lot Bad Dawg, you’re really pullin out all the stops for this one.
BAD DAWG
Like I said man, it’s yer big day. The way I figure it, why not shoot the moon, know what I mean?
BRYCE
I…I think so.
BAD DAWG
The only thing I’m worried about is that sonofabitch landlord Callahan. He’s a real partypooper.
BRYCE
Don’t worry about Callahan Dawg let the Brycemiester handle that one.
BAD DAWG
He’s a tough old bastard Bryce. You sure about this?
BRYCE
Wuh-oh!

Me Working

Posted in Uncategorized by Andrew Earles on April 30, 2006

Scag Winesack LIVE IN THE STUDIO

Posted in Uncategorized by Andrew Earles on April 26, 2006

Listen to Scag Winesack pay a PERSONAL visit to Tom Sharpling’s The Best Show On WFMU!!!

(April 25th show. Listen to the entire show, or start at 2:20 mark)

If I must brag, it is an amazing bit. The mult-talented Julie Klausner joins me as Scag’s fifth ex-wife, and we knock out the largely improvised bit with expertise. Amazing, considering everyone involved is an expert but me.

Listen To Me On The Radio

Posted in Uncategorized by Andrew Earles on April 25, 2006
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