Andrew Earles

Number One

Scrolling through my On Demand choices at midnight, or one in the morning, or nearby, I was unsurprisingly drawn to waste money on Dan Ackroyd: Unplugged on UFO’s. An earnest ambassador to the growing number of paranormal fanatics (I really could be one of these, one day), Ackroyd allows (or maybe WANTED) himself to be interviewed for the entirety of this film, which is your standard-issue UFO documentary accented with recent footage and a sweating, chain-smoking Dan Ackroyd. You, and you, and you, and you, and you….must see it.

Number Two

A publicist sent me the new Alice Donut album in the mail. I haven’t listened to it yet. The simple act, and existence of the album, are the reasons you’ve just read these three sentences.

Number Three

I watched Freedomland. On Demand. I demanded it. The part(s) are there, sort of. Richard Price: Novel and screenplay. Add in some good Wire actors. Now run away. Go read Klosterman’s last word on Snakes On A Plane (in Esquire) instead. Good stuff. Despite this (Freedomland) being the worst movie I’ve seen this year, the qualities that make it so are not worthy of attention.

REVIEWS!!

The Skills To Pay The Bills: The Story Of The Beastie Boys

By Alan Light

Perfect airplane fare that manages to present 80% of its subjects as dullards with very little insight, including the band. Not enough time spent on Paul’s Boutique or the fact that this cultural hobgoblin practically created both rap metal and the wigger plague. Not enough input from The Captain or Bob Mack, the only real brains behind this operation. Check Your Head and Ill Communication have aged well? Who are you????? Where am I??????

Queens Reigns Supreme: Fat Cat, 50 Cent, and the Rise of the Hip Hop Hustler

By Ethan Brown

Fantastic. Like a Hip Hip Hit Men. More crime than music, but so far stands as the best music book of my 2006. Ethan Brown grows more paranoid by the day.

Life and Def: Sex, Drugs, Money + God

By Russell Simmons (w/ Russell George)

Russell Simmons couldn’t be any more unlikeable. This book doesn’t help. Racial ambulance chaser George does nothing to endear Simmons to even the dumbest reader. His (Simmons) contrbutions are immeasurable. I’m on board with that, but Phat Farm? Def Poetry Jam? God? I love the cover photo, taken in 2001, of Simmons networking on his cell and portable labelmaker Motorola T-900 PDA. That’ll age wonderfully. Care to read about his wind tunnel plastic surgery, child-exploiting wife? There’s no BabyPhat on that knifed-up mug! For reasons beyond reason, I felt the need to purchase this book from a Barnes and Noble in Flagstaff, AZ.

Hip Hop books that I would be all over like a fat European on Alex Chilton: 3rd Base, Rick Rubin, Too $hort, Hawd Gangstah Rappuh Emcees Wid Ghats, Schoolly D, Biz Markie…..

EARLES ROAD TEST!!!

Subject:

The 1995 Ford F-700 (in the form of a U-Haul rental)

This is a 1995 Ford F-700:

http://www.automart.com/vehicledetail/adid-26946312/1995/ford/f-700/new-waterford/oh

I recently sat shotgun as a 1995 Ford F-700 was ROAD TESTED from Washington DC all the way to Memphis, TN. This is my report.

Handling: Five-degree turns were good for the psychedelic hallucination that the entire vehicle was going to fall over. Now, this may have had something to do with the 10,000+ records, Fiat Spider, full 230-gallon fish tank, 18 encyclopedia sets, 671 car batteries, and half-conscious former member of Monsterland that constituted our cargo. Ten-degree turns laid a total mind fuck on our asses.

Ergonomics: A wise move towards the “less to break or short out” angle, yet all interior lighting did manage to short out, including the nighttime speedometer illumination. A fuse at the nearest store? Not on our dime. Aftermarket two speaker AM/FM stereo (no cassette or CD) of indeterminate brand provided decent vehicle for our satellite radio unit. Air conditioning worked, as was stated on side of truck.

Performance: Due either to a governor or the extreme cargo weight, truck rarely broke 60 MPH, and irritated other drivers in the process of attaining this feeble goal. Truck backfired when allowed to coast.

Exterior: A refreshing lack of dents or dings. Exterior paint job included several examples of the U-Haul logo, as well as the strange term “Mom’s Attic” across the area above the cab. “Mom’s Attic” soon became a well-worn, sexually charged insult between driver and passenger.

Save some surfing time with this handy list of worthy YouTube selections. Some are from my “underground” or public access VHS hording days (mid-90′s to early-00′s). YouTube has thankfully put this once sacred past time at anyone’s fingertips.

(please forgive the disappearance of my toolbar, hence the lack of hyperlinking…thanks Safari)

Hilarious cross-item conservatism and brutal animation: Two of my favorite modern country videos.

Montgomery Gentry – “You Do Your Thing”

Lonestar – “Mr. Mom”

The world may not need another Clearly-Fucked-Out-Of-Their-Minds rock performance, but here’s Afternoon Rock heroes Dr. Hook with what may be the best:

I don’t know. Acid? PCP? Coke? Can’t simply be booze……

Classic David Lee Roth tyrade (if you haven’t already seen it):

Classic guy-giving-directions:

Chris Rea’s non-hit, “Tennis” (his hit was the Afternoon Rock monster, “Fool If You Think It’s Over”)