I don’t remember my first mentioned ABC Family’s Slacker Cats. I could go back through my blog and read the exact post. Because I control the weather here at failedpilot.com, the decision has against any research (at all). I do remember the tone. I didn’t find it especially funny. I found it weird and crude for an ABC Family program with Walmart spots. My first impression of the jokes? Early South Park (pre-good); maybe Family Guy‘s pop-culture-references-as-a-crutch. Good news! Slacker Cats has changed for the better, or I’ve lost more of my mind. Your choice. I must reiterate: Cats are the thinking-person’s pet. Please allow five minutes for my trademark critical train wreck:

“Buckley” (voiced by Harland Williams) – The overweight cat. The cat with a heart. Gets along with owner (a single white female). One of two main characters. The flawed hero. Wears a fanny-pack that became a bad punch line. Sleeps under a specially-made “Best Cat in the World” blanket. The still-unfortunate slang “Slacker” does not apply to Buckley.

“Eddie” (voiced by the Ebony/Redbook-approved Sinbad) – The bad cat responsible for the schemes that make up each plot, as well as most of the “adult” humor.

“Dooper” (voiced by Emo Phillips) – Homeless, possibly drug-addicted cat. Lives in a fridge box. Other than my affection for all things CAT, the V.O. is the only reason this post is being written. That and the fact that I’m obviously out of material (saving the good stuff for an upcoming live performance – I spread it thin). Ten years ago, I made a career-killing joke about Emo Phillips. My career…his died in some other fashion.

“Tabitha” (voiced by one of the Desperate Housewives) – Not a Tabby. Fills the batty, air-headed, “all women are crazy” stereotype. Most of the show’s pranks end with her as the butt.

“Mrs. Boots” (voiced by the hilarious Niecy Nash, a performer rocking the previously unknown void created by the need for a poor-man’s Wanda Sykes) – Fills the all-hefty-Black-ladies-are-sassy-and-act-like-underpaid-student-loan-customer-service-employees stereotype.

Why am I doing this? Why was it allowed to go this far? Did I just write all of this? Lisa Lampanelli is enjoying her first appearance on my TV (I’ve yet to endure the female Don Rickles, the white Carlos Mencia), I have a couple of deadlines burning a hole through my brain, and I’m absolutely beat ragged…..

Thank me now, or thank me later, but I live in these zones:

Olive-Free Zone

Tomato-Free Zone

Dog-Free Zone (this one has wiggle room, but do not bring a dog into my house)

Mr. Bungle-Free Zone

Yoko Ono-Free Zone

Mushroom-Free Zone (come on, people, the kind on the menu)

Squash-Free Zone

Kevin Smith-Free Zone

William S. Burroughs-Free Zone

….last night’s post was by far the dumbest item ever posted on this site. I have deleted it. Apologies to those that spent 56 seconds of their day reading it. Some of that leftover late-90’s, ill-conceived vitriol surfacing. Anyone that’s read anything I wrote in the late-90’s (there was only one forum), might recognize it as crap sitting around on the floor. I perpetually have trouble sleeping, and infrequently take Xanax before bed, a drug that last night had a strange reverse, idiotic impact on my brain.

There was a sunnier day that I wrote about the automobile industry on this site. Why did I stop? No reason. Well, I don’t work in the automobile industry anymore. Yes, I did at one point….onstensibly. And yes, it would make a great book. I can run my mouth like a man that knows cars. I have no problem telling you, reader(s), that when I run my mouth like a man that knows cars, I am 98% full of shit. Nevertheless, if qualified, I would have enjoyed making this list (this is where the links work).

Courtesy of www.time.com, someone else gives you….

(the links do not work here)

The Worst Cars Ever Made