This weekend, try to hold off on that much-needed oil change. You’ll live. You’re engine might not, but you will. Use the money to purchase Earles and Jensen Present…Just Farr A Laugh Vol 1 & 2 (The Greatest Prank Phone Calls Ever!!) on Super Tuesday the 6th!!! That’s f*cking five days away!!! Am I stunned? I am stunned!!
PLUS….something most convenient for Memphis area residents:
To celebrate the release of Earles and Jensen Present…Just Farr A Laugh Vol 1 & 2 (The Greatest Prank Phone Calls Ever!!) on Matador Records, I will be delivering a little monologue, giving a little presentation, playing a little call or two, and taking a little question or two on Saturday, May 10th at Goner Records.
2152 Young Avenue, Memphis!!!
Posted September 28 2005, 9:43 AM EDT
JACKSONVILLE — A man reported missing from a Florida hospital was found in
North Carolina dressed like a doctor and driving a stolen ambulance with a dead
deer wedged in the back, authorities said.
Leon Holliman Jr., 37, was reported missing from a River Region Human Services
facility in Jacksonville last month. The North Carolina State Highway Patrol found
him driving the ambulance with the deer on Sunday.
“I don’t know how the man got it up in there,” said Sgt. Robert Pearson. “It
was a six point buck.”
It wasn’t known where Holliman got the deer, which had been dead for some time, Pearson said.
Authorities tracked the stolen ambulance through three rural North Carolina counties and one county in southern Virginia before its tires were punctured and it wound up in a ditch, Pearson said.
Holliman was admitted to a North Carolina hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. Police said they would decide whether to charge Holliman after that evaluation is complete.
What a fantastic title for a romantic dramedy. But for now, it correctly represents the amount of time until Earles and Jensen Present…Just Farr A Laugh Vol. 1 & 2 (The Greatest Prank Phone Calls Ever!) is released on Matador Records.
Another dispatch from Scag Winesack, Retired P.I., Former Cop, Terminated F.B.I. Agent. This one is from mid-2006. Enjoy!
Chasing a subject in unsavory conditions.
Chasing someone up several flights of stairs is pretty overrated. Not recommended. I gotten to the point where two flights does me in, so I just start unloading my pistol up through the flights; maybe I’ll nick a finger while I’m catching my breath. Another good way to absolve this situation is to start a fire in the stairwell. Fires tend to disorientate prey. The elevator is your best friend. Catch it and meet your perp as he burst from the exit door on a higher floor. Then throw him (or her…I’m not sexist) down those eleven or so flights. It will be a nice reminder of why it’s a bad idea to avoid Skag Winesack when Skag Winesack has some questions for you.
Believe the hype about alleyways, they’re just as treacherous as the movies would have you believe. Garbage cans, bums, howling stray cats, fire escapes…it’s all there. Your best defense against fleeing, human vermin is a quick shot to the bricks from whatever firearm is handy. Aim to the right or left of the head (unless this is one of “those” cases) and the ricocheting brick particles will “temporarily” “bloke” the squirmy fartblossom’s vision. This is especially useful if the asshole accidentally runs into oncoming traffic, as you cannot be held liable.
Pursuing someone through the middle of a basketball game is tricky. Try to avoid NBA games, but if you must, here are some pointers: 1. Immediately take out the mascot. Not that they will be your biggest obstacle, but they are really stupid and irritating. Go for the knees, or cut a small hole in the back of the silly animal suit and insert the barrel of a flare gun. That’ll get “its” attention. 2. Depending on the speed and agility of your perp, you may have to take a couple of shots, make a couple of passes, yell some profanity, etc. You can handle it. 3. Do not gun down suspect. I’ve heard that NBA games are monitored by camera.
Rooftop chases are easy as long as you have a helicopter, or the perp has been fitted with an Invisible Fence collar.
Fires are also useful during warehouse pursuits. Flush ‘em right out.
Stay tuned for later installments in this series. I might cover chases through buses, courtrooms, weddings, horse shows, funerals, parades, political executions, farmer’s markets, aquariums, museums, horse/dog races, mom and pop hardware stores, jazz festivals, and heavily populated beaches, but I ain’t promising anything.
In less than two weeks, Earles and Jensen Present…Just Farr A Laugh Vol 1 and 2 (The Greatest Prank Phone Calls Ever!) will be released!! Some have taken to calling it “the Chinese Democracy of comedy albums,” though I prefer “the Sherman’s March of comedy albums,” especially in light of certain personal circumstances.