Andrew Earles

World’s Largest Paperclip Included (Not Shown)

Posted in Uncategorized by Andrew Earles on July 22, 2010

Note: Not the Ultimate Fighter of the same name...

Actual size: 11" by 17" by 1.5"

Note to….uh….anyone: Make sure to ask for specifics when a contractual employer notifies you of “recent cost-cutting procedures” in regards to a personal project that defined and dictated the past 2.75 years of your life. I mean, I know the b&w color scheme is correct and era-appropriate, but I’m beginning to wonder if, as promised, my people even got in touch with Raymond Pettibon to do the cover art. If so, he really phoned this one in. I’m also going to have to take issue with the binding job which arrived separately as a jumbo-sized Frito-Lay chip-clip in a Ziploc baggy with ‘Binding Job’ written in Sharpie across the front. People shop for books in bookstores, often by reading the spines of texts organized and arranged on a shelf. “

 “That’s cute. So pre-Y2K of you, Earles. Go to your nearest bookstore, and take a look around until you see the “filing-cabinet” section, where you’ll find a lot of books in the exact format as your own….it’s the ‘new hardback’ or ‘the future of book publishing’……Earles….you’re a trailblazer”

 “I don’t feel like a trailblazer…”

 [Disclaimer: None of that actually happened and that entire passage is untrue. The pictures, however, are real. That’s the earliest physical stage of my book. I’m told it’s called the “1st Read manuscript” though it was briefly referred to as “pain in the fucking ass” this past weekend when that 1st read was being attempted. No pics, lots of grammatical errors, prior to inclusion or exclusion of needed or troublesome text (though this is the next-to-last chance for any waffling to be honored).

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Enjoy the first installment of “The running commentary of blues/classic-rock/A.O.R. battle-tank Steve Miller as he peruses his son’s record collection while the latter is away at college”

Posted in Uncategorized by Andrew Earles on July 19, 2010

“Why would you spend good money on a record when it says right here on the cover that it’s F___ Up?”

“Nobody’s going to buy your album when you name it ‘Scum’!”

“Wow, I’ll make sure to recommend this one to the next person who wants their fucking brains to melt out of their fucking ears.”

“Hi there, this is Casey Kasum…making their top-ten debut this week is ‘Decrepit Birth’…thanks for tuning into this week’s Top 40…on the fucking planet Jupiter.”

“911? I’d like to report a double homicide…’good taste’ and ‘professional playing’ have both been brutally murdered”

“Either I woke up this morning and somehow it’s the year 3021, or this is my ex-wife’s faullt.”

“Septic Death? No thanks, I’ll go with ‘quietly in my sleep’ or ‘asphyxiation by giant gazongas’ or ‘onstage heart attack while trading solos with Ry Cooder’ but it will probably be my ex-wife talking my ass to death…”

“What the hell was that? HELLO?!?!?!? ANYONE HOME DOWN THERE?!?!? I’M LOCKED IN ZACH’S ROOM WITH A LOADED .9MM PRESSED TO MY TEMPLE!!!! JUST KIDDING!!!! ANYONE HOME DOWN THERE?!?!?!? SOMEONE BREAKING INTO MY HOME?!?!?!? I’LL TURN MY ATTACK EX-WIFE LOOSE ON YOU!!! SHE’LL FUCK YOUR BASS PLAYER….AND DRUMMER….UNTIL EACH AND EVERY MOMENT OF THE DAY IS LIKE TRYING TO MAKE A BURRITO BY HAND IN THE POURING RAIN…NO UMBRELLA!!!!!! WHO’S DOWN THERE!?!?! LEAVE MY HOME OR I’LL KILL ONE HOSTAGE PER HOUR!!!! HAHAHAHAHA (COUGH-COUGH-COUGH-COUGH)!!!!! Christ on a crutch…where were we, oh yeah, next up is ‘Success Will Write Apocalypse Across the Sky’…I’m inclined to agree with these young men, though I’d replace ‘sky’ with ‘wall opposite my couch’…”

“For fuck’s sake, I’m holding a record by a band that decided to call themselves ‘Fleas and Lice’. Weirder things have happened…no they haven’t. Well, let’s throw it on…”

[one minute later...]

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Courtesy of my favorite music writer, Rick Johnson (R.I.P.)….

Posted in Uncategorized by Andrew Earles on July 17, 2010

From the pages of Creem Magazine, in what I’m assuming is an issue published in 1980.

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Wait! Should I have paid $27 for this book?

Posted in Uncategorized by Andrew Earles on July 10, 2010

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