Enjoy the first installment of “The running commentary of blues/classic-rock/A.O.R. battle-tank Steve Miller as he peruses his son’s record collection while the latter is away at college”
“Why would you spend good money on a record when it says right here on the cover that it’s F___ Up?”
“Nobody’s going to buy your album when you name it ‘Scum’!”
“Wow, I’ll make sure to recommend this one to the next person who wants their fucking brains to melt out of their fucking ears.”
“Hi there, this is Casey Kasum…making their top-ten debut this week is ‘Decrepit Birth’…thanks for tuning into this week’s Top 40…on the fucking planet Jupiter.”
“911? I’d like to report a double homicide…’good taste’ and ‘professional playing’ have both been brutally murdered”
“Either I woke up this morning and somehow it’s the year 3021, or this is my ex-wife’s faullt.”
“Septic Death? No thanks, I’ll go with ‘quietly in my sleep’ or ‘asphyxiation by giant gazongas’ or ‘onstage heart attack while trading solos with Ry Cooder’ but it will probably be my ex-wife talking my ass to death…”
“What the hell was that? HELLO?!?!?!? ANYONE HOME DOWN THERE?!?!? I’M LOCKED IN ZACH’S ROOM WITH A LOADED .9MM PRESSED TO MY TEMPLE!!!! JUST KIDDING!!!! ANYONE HOME DOWN THERE?!?!?!? SOMEONE BREAKING INTO MY HOME?!?!?!? I’LL TURN MY ATTACK EX-WIFE LOOSE ON YOU!!! SHE’LL FUCK YOUR BASS PLAYER….AND DRUMMER….UNTIL EACH AND EVERY MOMENT OF THE DAY IS LIKE TRYING TO MAKE A BURRITO BY HAND IN THE POURING RAIN…NO UMBRELLA!!!!!! WHO’S DOWN THERE!?!?! LEAVE MY HOME OR I’LL KILL ONE HOSTAGE PER HOUR!!!! HAHAHAHAHA (COUGH-COUGH-COUGH-COUGH)!!!!! Christ on a crutch…where were we, oh yeah, next up is ‘Success Will Write Apocalypse Across the Sky’…I’m inclined to agree with these young men, though I’d replace ‘sky’ with ‘wall opposite my couch’…”
“For fuck’s sake, I’m holding a record by a band that decided to call themselves ‘Fleas and Lice’. Weirder things have happened…no they haven’t. Well, let’s throw it on…”
[one minute later...]
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